BDSM & Alternative Lifestyle Personals
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I
3/11/2006 12:15 am Last Read: |
A new aquaintance I've made in the past 24 hours has caused me to recall memories of my first bike and the life lesson it gave me. So much of the success in my life was learned on that Schwin that I used it as an analogy to help my sons get through the early teen years. Another aid in better communication I discovered allowed me to make the point more easily. My oldest son, now 23, was 13 at the time and the hormones were just kicking in. He saw people older than him in positions he found desirable and was slapped silly by "cruel life". He wanted the spontanious gratification, NOW!!!! (LOTS OF HORMONES) I am not your typical father, pissy children of any age ARE my responsibility, my challange and I sat his ass down for some mirror time. I was raised by a step-father that felt I would understand things better if he got right in my face and screamed, until the hitting began, to solve anything regarding me. I only recall that loud, red, spitting thing, not the point then and not now. I didn't believe my son would get the point like that either. I learned that my son loved to interact with me in the large bathroom mirror as I cleaned him in the sink. That connection in the glass was great fun when I made father noises and talked or told stories. We both loved the mirror time, he could see himself and me, then turn just to me for conformation that I was the same guy in the mirror. As children grow, they experiment and he did, splashing was not good in the sink like in the bathtub. I chastized him for it several times by holding his arm down and saying "No" to his face. He repeated his splash attempt, I repeated my part. The third time, I saw him look at the me in the mirror and I said no to the him in the mirror, I also saw the me, then the two of us. There was the epiphany, each of us could see both of us in the situation and I knew he underestood me and the mirror me were telling him and the mirror him something. I used that mirror for many discussions with my sons for many years. Problematic behaviour was more readily accepted when we stood with my arm on their shoulders and talked over solutions in that mirror. My love and pride were also shown to them in that fashion. They didn't lose the points we both made because the whole situation, both parties were in that view, not just a loud, red, fearsome distraction. In that mirror, hormones raging, he cried his frustration. He was not happy that I was not 'making him happy'. "Wrong, my job in this relationship is to house you, clothe you and feed you, not to make you happy. The level of pleasure I find in your behaviour will determine the quality of the aforementioned job I do. Your sullen, angry attitude has gotten us here, help me not lower the standard to a blanket, pillow, two sets of school clothes and cold, cheap microwave dinners." I knew he heard me, understood all implications, (his 'bad' my 'mad') and prepared for a marathon. We talked until it was clear to me that others at school had skills in sports, study and "stuff" that he felt would make him "not a failure". I knew through others he was a popular, well thought of kid, chemicals he was new at dealing with told him otherwise. He needed support by an easy lesson in success. "Remember your first bike?" I began. "Yes, what about it will make me not such a loser?" His eyes begged for a quick answer, he was impatient to end this 'punishment' of forced conversation in front of the mirror. I was ready too, getting to this point had taken it's toll on me. "Did you just hop on and ride like you do now?" "No, I fell a million times, scratched your truck and cut my lip." "Right, you had to suffer not knowing how to do it until you got the hang of it. What was the one thing that made you able to finally do it?" "I know, practice, practice, practice. You always say that!" "Not this time, you had the dream of riding and suffered crashes and pain and frustration as you practiced until that magic moment of sucess. You were patient, not just determined or tenacious, you knew it would happen if you kept trying. Patience made you focus on the dream, accept the pain and frustration of failure and to keep trying. Everything you decide to value in life is like that, find the patience to succeed. You knew how then, it's the same now. I love you, get out of here and think about what you want, I can't do that for you. You tell me what I can do to help you make yourself happy and I'll try my best." "Thanks, Pa" were his parting words, somehow that analogy of success stuck. He had all the other growing pains teens have to work out, but they were more easily handled with the understanding that his job was to not expect immediate results, patience to succeed worked. The fellow I mentioned at the start is young and a bit frustrated at not having found his success. I believe the bike story may help. Anybody can use it. Keith |
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3/11/2006 4:29 am |
It's a wonderful story, Keith! Thank you for sharing it and the reminder that patience and practice will bring success!
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 3/11/2006 6:12 am |
I, too, have one of those "bike" stories Keith. When we adopted our son, he came with a trainload of issues and problems all of which affected his behaviors. One attempt we made was a rewards system. He wanted a 2 wheeler more than anything else. So it was agreed between us that if he obtained a certain number of "smileys" (each one representing a half day without behaviour issues) in a 2 month window the bike would be his. At 6 going on 3 emotionally..2 months is almost forever, but he worked so hard, and ultimately...suceeded. The day the bike came home he hopped on ...and fell. The ANGER he displayed was unbelievable. In his world it just wasn't fair that after all that hard work to get the bike...that he know had to work even harder...to ride it. What a life lesson for him, and in due time..he indeed was racing all round on his bike. For newcomers and not so newcomers. Arm yourself with knowledge
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3/25/2006 5:23 pm |
I believe I am a little late in catching up to this story. I made the trip here through Mistress Jade. I am so glad I did. You obviously cared enough about not only your son but yourself to not want to repeat your past and find a better way to communicate with your own children. It is rare that parents and children have the type of relationship where they can talk to each other without doubt. I have this relationship with my own children and I cherish it. It makes me proud to see my children try and be a bigger people, to know that they know I believe in them and will try and help them make a place to live in, in which they are happy. From one parent to another, Thank you. xx Lovelylza
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