Shaking the Spear for a Sistah
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2/23/2007 12:11 amLast Read: |
I have never understood the mentality of people who wish ill on another's career or lifestyle, usually because they failed or sold out themselves. I've seen it time and time again; directed at artist friends of mine, students, sidewalk shamans, mums at home, or anyone with a dream no matter how wierd and crazy it may seem. There seem to be so many people out there who sincerely want other people to fail...perhaps that way they're not so miserable and alone with their own failures, working jobs they hate to live in places they don't like, buying things they don't really care about. Screw that. Recently I saw something that made me want to protect all the idealistic dreams and aspirations of all the people who have escaped the Ticky Tacky, all over again. So I wrote about it. Yesterday on the train to my interview, I was sitting across from a student. She was very solemn and serious in a way I rarely see these uni kids, doing her revisions and organising her notes. As you do, I took a peek at the book; "Storing water, fluids and intake correction." Biology II, student, possibly medical. Actually, the more I sat on the other side of the table, the more convinced I was that she was a med student (though that may have just been writer's imagination going; I can't be the only writer who invents stories about the people they see in the world). But surely only a med student would have two different coloured pens and a ruler to make notes organised and uniform? Well, a law student would as well, but in my experience they're devotees of highlighter pens and red pens in particular. She was alternating between blue and green pens, a ruler, and her IPOD with intense concentration, shuffing through tracks, then grabbing a pen, putting the pen down, reading for a bit, grabbing the ruler, drawing a line, shuffling another track. Unlike most people, she played her IPOD at a sensible volume and I couldn't hear a thing. She also didn't seem to show a whole lot of enjoyment in the music; no lips moving to lyrics, no tapping of her feet. It was just background noise. Once, her cellphone rang, and with a frown of faint irritation, she shut it off and shoved it back into her bag, to get back to her dance of shuffle/write/rule/read uninterrupted. I think we older folks (and yes, I have to call myself an older more "mature" person now though I feel anything but), we seem to forget there are students out there who aren't just drinking or shagging their way through their courses. There are a few who are really trying hard for that degree, really working their asses off to get through. Maybe because they were told they'd never do it. If she really was a med student, then she's a woman playing a man's game. Her clothing wasn't top notch and she was working with cheap pens as well, so she certainly wasn't from a well to do family. Maybe working class with good enough grades to get her to a top notch school, her and her family saving every scrap they had so she could attend one of the private Unis. Tissue fluid retention; mitochondric membrane, isn't it? The study of nutrient absorbtion through cell membranes was a long time ago; uni wasn't a great time for me, not because I faffed it off, but because I wanted to learn everything, yet had no idea how to study or retain the information in my brain. I took the hardest courses at a university I couldn't afford, and of course the inevitable breakdown/dropout happened. Following that, five years of homelessness, pregnant in there somewhere, and living a life so far out of society I honestly haven't found a way to entirely get back into it even ten years later. If I have a regret, it's not really trying to find a way to study properly, not hanging up every time my mum called to give me something extra to stress out about, and not being more gentle with my desire to learn at first, and pacing myself. I saw so much of myself in that student, although she seemed even more together than I had been. I'd wanted to be a writer, a singer, a model, a marine biologist, be bilingual in English and Japanese. I'd wanted so much, and at that age it doesn't seem so impossible, though there were always adults who would give me a somewhat bitter smile whenever I'd talk about my dreams, like somehow they were all useless. "Oh you just wait," they'd say, with that bitter sneer on their faces. I have to admit Jareth isn't the only autistic person in this house; I never understood the motivations behind the words. Some people just really, really want you to fail, if for no other reason but it means they won't be alone in their failure. So I watched this student, her seriousness, her extreme focus. I suppose a bitter thirty-something would have just given her a bittersweet smile and thought, or even said out loud, "Fat lot of good that will do you; you'll get pregnant and then he'll leave you. You won't be able to get a practice as a single mum. Hell you won't even be able to finish school; doctoring is a man's world, my dear and there's no room in it for single mums. Things change, and dreams are just that. Enjoy it while it lasts because you'll wake up someday and be just like the rest of us - going through life with our souls asleep, our dreams broken, and one day a boring blur into the next." But I couldn't do it. I've never understood cursing the happiness of those who escaped mundania, solely because one's miserable themselves. I've never understood the glee of watching someone who managed to go through all of life's bullshit stumble, then fall. Why not follow behind through the way they cleared and be grateful? I watched this student do her revisions, and she was a stranger. She hadn't looked up at me once, but suddenly I felt fiercely protective of her. I felt protective of her dreams, protective of her future. I'd have given someone a serious tongue lashing if they'd even so much as laughed at her for wanting to reach for her dreams in the heavens. I'd personally try to hold the ladder so she could reach higher. I was heading to an interview - not for marine biology, or for a book contract. It wasn't worth a quarter mil a year, but the job would allow me to wear whatever clothes I wanted, do my hair as I pleased, talk about subjects I love around people who won't have an issue with it. That's something I've sorely missed, and something I'm willing to pursue. My own reaching-dream, even if it isn't a monumental one. So I thought for this girl, and I sent up my own Spear-prayer. I just smiled, and formed it in my head, as I do. "I hope you get that degree, sister. I hope you don't ever burn out, get discouraged, or give up. I hope you rise above all the politics and stay true to why you decided to be a healer, and I hope each day you're able to go home knowing you did your best, and the rest lies in Fate's hands. I hope your spouse is supportive. I hope your children will be happy. I hope your dreams come true for you, becaus someone working as hard as you are deserves it. Don't forget to smile, don't forget to eat strawberries, don't forget to laugh, don't be afraid to grieve and mourn the patients you couldn't save. You are human - don't forget that. Kick ass, rock the world, and keep reaching. And if anyone laughs at you, tell them to go to hell...you're not responsible for their giving up. Pave the way for your children, and theirs, and remember to smile." My stop was coming up, so I got up and gathered my things. I was charging the spell and sent it off when we rolled in. It was the only time she actually looked up at me; this 20 year old girl-woman with spotty skin and glassy, exhausted but determined eyes. I smiled at her - not the "strangers making eye contact" but a definite smile. "Good luck." I said. She still had her headphones on, but as I said the music was quiet, she could still hear. She stared at me for a moment, probably wondering if I was just some weirdo, but the smile seemed to assure her otherwise. I got a real, genuine, bright smile in return. "Thanks," she replied, and then she got back to work. I got off the train at my stop for the interview. But the train kept going, and she kept riding on. |
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2/23/2007 2:10 am |
You write and think beautifully.
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2/23/2007 3:01 am |
that's so reassuring to read that you have moments like that. i almost want to gush forth with a load of stuff, but hey, i'm hormonal, and also i would just ramble more than usual. but wow. i'm not 'showing off' but i do that a lot too, make very personal connections with complete strangers, and care deeply for them, i get so caught up in their stories, their world, and usually make any effort i can to start a conversation with people. i just like to 'feel' people as i go through my life. what's the point of drifting through time and not connecting with all the people you share your space with? sometimes that one bright moment in a day can just lift you enough to make the rest of the day bearable.. so i'm always nattering on to absolutely anybody... but you have taken that to a level beyond me, or at least one i don;t quite understand - your Spear prayer - is something i'm not quite with - but if it's a case of wishing them well, thinking very positively and very deeply that they will be well - then yeah, i get that completely. hat's off to you. x
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2/23/2007 3:46 am |
You never cease to amaze me the power of your words the strength you show slays me. That someone as unique and powerful and beautiful as you exists gives me hope as a human being. You make me want to be a stronger woman smarter kinder humble and humane. Maybe you consider you blog...just a blog, but you are a Writer. One of my favorite writers. and my own prayer goes out to you. sincerely beth
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2/23/2007 12:15 pm |
I have no words because I'm just sitting here grinning. I love you, you're fabulous. "But then the Roman Empire fell - like this: "Ooh shit!" And we went into what historians call the 'Stupid Fucker Period'. Where everyone was, "Aah, I dunno! Is that a Roman Road? Can we eat it?" And then we had the Dark Ages where..."I can't even see! Who are you?" -Eddie Izzard. Leave your mark!
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2/24/2007 7:59 am |
Bless you for blessing her. Hugz! Eventide Somewhere over the Rainbow with a dog and a ghost for company. Hugz! ~Lilith Eventide Nightshade~
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