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catiedont 50F
5 posts
7/7/2015 4:14 pm
Unhealthy Obsession


Ever since my most recent real life encounter, I've been really struggling to maintain some kind of equilibrium. I'm having a difficult time thinking about anything else. Not necessarily the encounter itself, just the idea that I could actually bring some of my fantasies into the real world. That I might be able to find a regular play partner who would understand what I need, and just as importantly, would get as much satisfaction from our encounters as I would. Someone who would use intelligence, calculation, and imagination to help me find my true limits and then push them.

This is not just a matter of finding a Dom or an Owner. I am not a sub or a slave. I don't want a romantic relationship or a friendship. I don't care what he does for a living or who else he might play with. I don't even want him to know my name. I don't care if I like him or if I'm attracted to him and I don't care what else he might think about me, as long as he also thinks I'm a satisfying play partner who inspires his creativity.

I feel like I started a fire and I don't know how to put it out. My skin literally crawls with the need to be struck, my cunt is always wet, and I can't focus on any of my normal routines. I've been devising new and interesting (but so fucking inadequate) ways to inflict pain while I masturbate, which I pretty much always want to do. I'm wearing bras full of tacks to work. I'm living in a fog of NEED.

In the past, after a few days without satisfaction the overwhelming need would fade, disappearing into my psyche not to be even thought of for months and months on end. I'd go back to my regularly scheduled life and forget, for a time, that this is who I am. This time, it all seems to be getting more intense. I'm a little bit afraid.

I've never been interested in marriage and I have no desire to date. Relationships are hard work and I am a very self-sufficient introvert. I have never been clingy or emotionally needy or prone to drama. I'm down to earth, even-keeled, and perfectly content on my own and in my head. I've always been a little mystified at the idea of needing someone. Right now, I'm really afraid that if I found this person, I'd become dependent on his willingness to use me. I'd become as consumed by that anonymous relationship as I've seen friends become consumed by new lovers they want to know everything about. I'd check the phone every 5 minutes in case he had texted. I';d want to cry with frustrated disappointment if he had to cancel a session. Those things are not me at all, and the idea that this is the kind of relationship that could inspire that kind of insanity is hard to accept. The idea that I could ever feel this way about another person is extremely hard to accept. I can't stand the idea of needing anyone, letting that need influence my mood and my daily behavior.

Being a masochist, this fear completely turns me on. It's a limit I have that is suddenly in stark relief, and that is incredibly hot. The masochistic in me very much wants to walk that tightrope and see where it takes me. But being a sane human being with a very full life who likes herself just fine the way she is, this fear is also extremely valid.

It's very complicated being me right now. One minute I want to shut down this account and my discrete email account and throw away all of my toys, and the next, all I can think about is whether or not it would be possible to attach a We-Vibe to a padlocked clit ring so my imaginary abuser could use my cunt whenever he wanted, even if we didn't have a session for months on end. Can you modify one of those things to give a shock instead of a vibration? Why hasn't anyone made that toy?

I can't tell right now which way this is going to go, but something's got to give. I can';t afford to be obsessed with this idea. I need to follow this where it leads me or I need to let go of this idea of real life play, at least for now.

Who am I and what did I do with myself?

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
- Carl Jung

That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.
- John Green

catiedont



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