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HetFlex_K 51M
160 posts
5/27/2015 11:07 pm
dis connected


Being disconnected is a very strange sensation. I’m not the kind of person who checks his text messages and emails incessantly, but it’s quite odd to go several hours (even a couple days) without really knowing what’s going on. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no internet of any kind - that’s what it’s like where punkin and I are staying. It means we sometimes have to walk several blocks, and brave the elements, to make a phone call or send/receive text messages. Unfortunately my reception is worse, which means there are things I simply cannot do. Checking my email, or bank balance, are nearly impossible. My supremely helpful went into town to check out what the local wireless carrier had to provide, but when we specified where we were living, the salesman admitted it was an area that many had coverage issues with. As I said, it has been very strange, but kind of liberating, being so disconnected. I’ve toyed with the idea of giving up my cell phone all together, but realize that is neither smart nor feasible. The fact is, punkin and I do not plan on staying where we are, so this lack of cell reception may be a moot point. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, I am not exaggerating when I say that punkin and I are stealing internet from a neighbor. We have to sit near a specific home to get a signal good enough to use, and this means once again braving the elements, but that isn’t so bad unless it’s raining. Trying to upload a movie to YouTube can take close to an hour, so you can see where this is also very inconvenient. It has honestly hindered my progress for yet another month, which is something I can no longer afford. My original plan, to use the library internet, went bad when I realized they had unprotected access, and 50+ people were using it at amy given time. My upload speeds were such that I had to sit for two hours to get one movie released, and that simply isn’t acceptable. The speed from the neighbors house is sufficient to get my work done, but as I said, I have to crouch outside the house in the middle of the night to fully take advantage. On warm evenings, that’s not so bad, but when the cold wind is blowing in off the water, it’s no damn fun.

There were a few times in the past when I celebrated being disconnected. Not having to check the phone for messages, or worry about returning any calls, made me happy. Now, I feel a certainty that I must be missing something, yet I check my messages and find that the world is going along just fine without me. Part of that is simple; I am disconnected and therefore not a part of the world. If I could successfully run my business while being invisible and unavailable, I probably would, but being the mysterious musician who also makes porn is not working to my benefit just yet. People need to know about my existence before they wonder about my dark personal life, beliefs, habits, etc. In this day and age, it is better to be a ridiculous, dramatic presence than to paddle against that current and just be who you are. As much as I don’t want to be a part of social media, I know I need to, and as much as I’d just like to quietly make music and porn I know I also need to work on my “celebrity” or “persona” if I want to survive. I still hold out some hope that who I am will be enough, so I don’t have to fake anything to get rich or famous, but that seems less likely as the days pass and I am no closer to the majority of my goals. Having to be someone I am not seems like a miserable way to live. Being fake is not who/what I am.

I want to post more often. There are videos (music, porn) waiting to be uploaded so people can watch them. We want to be entertaining everyone out there, and will continue to work toward that goal whenever possible. Stay tuned and stick around - eventually we’ll find a home, and things will start working in our favor. My creative output can be amazing when I am in the right environment.


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