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1/25/2015 8:38 am |
L wow...where to start? Sometimes people just want to vent. If not, I'd hope you'd seek counseling about the suicide urges. Or find a trusted friend. Let hubby know...something. Put your BDSM bucket list together. Start working on it. Find the man/men who can appreciate you. May have to kiss a lotta frogs...just saying. And yes, things do get better. Badboy
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I also deal with depression; however, it is low-to-moderate, not suicidal. Ten years ago, I found the cause of my depression and other symptoms, mercury poisoning. My body and brain are slowly rebuilding, just not fast enough for my liking. It's almost unfathomable to me that have low self esteem regarding your body. IMO, it's fabulous and the envy of many women as well as lust of many men. Five years ago, I met a submissive woman here on alt. We became soul mates. The compatibility and intensity of our relationship transformed depression to joy and alleviated her concern, "Am I still desirable?" Alas, she was married and we no longer see one another.
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1/25/2015 12:18 pm |
L Looking for another job wouldn't hurt...your unhappiness with it seems to be a recurring theme. Lincoln said (or supposedly said) Folks are about as happy as they make their minds to be. I agree...I try to focus on the things that are going right whether personally or professionally. It's when neither are working when it gets edgy...  GL Badboy
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n my eyes, your very young and a prize. I am 65 and think I willhave my middle age crazies in about 10 years. Just to be different! I am not sure there is an age range where life is less satisfying.I have had my ups and down throughout life. Teenage years are usually not that great for many. I think I had some real highs in life in my 40's. I would not mid being 40 something again. There is the next life to live. Go out an make the best of life, whatever it has to offer. Our perspectives change as we age. Different things will strike our fancy. Think of this time as a holding pattern for the trale yet to come. Reflect while you can, life moves faster as you age. "One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"
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Maybe the trick is to be so miserable when you're a kid or a young adult that everything afterward looks like heaven. I was around so many losers when I was growing up that I was certain I could outdo everybody I knew without really trying. As far as I can tell, I did. So I never felt like a failure and certainly never had any suicidal thoughts, though I did go through mild depression both times I left Japan, and the one time I left Korea, to return to America. The first time I left Japan I was 33 and the second time I was 46. I was 41 when I left Korea. I think any guy who lived the life I did in Asia would have had to be nuts not to be a little depressed upon moving back to America. I don't think it was my age or my career that made me feel blue. Mostly I think it was decompressing from an idyllic personal, professional and sexual lifestyle that I couldn't replicate in America. Fortunately, I could always move to another assignment in another country at the drop of a hat. If I felt overwhelmed and needed a career break, I could take an easier position, ace it, and get promoted, then take on something more challenging. Eventually I did in fact succeed in creating a sexual lifestyle in America comparable to what I enjoyed in Asia, though it eventually ended. The only career-related mild depression I experienced, I brought on myself. I played a practical joke on a guy with no sense of humor and no appreciation for my warped sense of humor, and he got his revenge when he became my boss. lol I solved that problem by getting assigned to Portugal and getting promoted 2 years later. Life is really tough sometimes. There always seems to be something new and exciting, challenging or interesting I can do if I start losing my edge. I have become a great believer in running away from my problems, though I think that solution may become less efficacious with age. Life's too short to waste it dealing with depressing problems or annoying people if you can just move on instead. You do, however, have to overcome your inhibitions, act on your instincts and seize opportunities disguised as problems. Other people aren't paying as much attention to your supposed deficiencies as you imagine they are. Surrender to your madness. Cut the cord. Try it. You're still young enough. You may like it. 
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svetya—you said you've had depression since teens. That could indicate a chemical imbalance. You've probably tried psychotropic antidepressants (I did but they only made it worse). There is a treatment program which deals with chemical imbalance via amino acids. The drawbacks are few doctors who are qualified, expensive since not covered by insurance, etc. But it works; it did for me (not 100  . Testing is what makes it expensive. Once balance, for you, is achieved, ongoing maintenance is not bad.If you'd like info, send me a message.
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Svetya, my love, since when do spouses and kids get a vote? The extent of my concessions to them was to offer to let them stay in America if they wanted to. If anything that bound them even closer to me. At times, of course, I did make some sacrifices for the family: assignments to Hawaii, Portugal and Australia come to mind. After she finished at Parsons, my daughter begged me to let her quit working in the US and come live with us in Portugal and study painting. While she was there, she married one of my young colleagues and went off to Zimbabwe with him. Go figure. When you take a risk or cut the cord a whole new world has a chance to open up... never let other people's fears or shortcomings hold you back. From your photo, I can tell you would have made a great spy... though of course I wouldn't know about such things.  Svetya the spy. Has a nice ring to it.
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Mm. This post, its insights and your expressiveness strike me as spectacular as it does relevant... as does its humor, whether intentional or not. Well done svetya.  YTB BD~ P xos Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...to the extent that doing so won't threaten or harm My boundaries or Me. ~ Doc_Sonar Breathe Deeply~ Peace
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