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bdst1 63M
180 posts
9/28/2016 1:12 am
Am I a fake?


I've seen a few posts here recently - or comments on posts - that make me wonder.

Apparently to be a "true" sub, dom or switch there is some unseen test which you need to pass, otherwise you are considered to be "just a vanilla person looking for a kinky relationship". Presumably a test of subliness, domliness or switchliness, or a negative test for vanillaliness.

Now, I have been having bdsm related fantasies since the age of about 6 and most of my adult relationships (though not all) have involved some aspect of bdsm or kink. And I'd like to think it is OK to continue in that vein. I'd thought this site was a good place to come to meet similar minded people and ideally meet someone with other things in common too. But now I am beginning to wonder; because I do not see the 24/7 lifestyle as being in the slightest bit interesting (to me; I have no problems with people who do) other than as a curiosity. Frankly, though I love sex, there are too many other fun things to do to obsess 24/7.

So, here is my question; since, even through my own eyes, I am "just a vanilla person looking for a kinky relationship" should I listen to the people who see me as a "fake" and ban myself from this site and look elsewhere? Or are there enough of us around to justify continuing to visit? Or am I missing the point?

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


joyaandkenny 45M/47F  
19 posts
6/17/2017 12:53 pm

    Quoting bdst1:
    Phew - I must be real because I don't come from Aldershot! Presumably if there are any real people on here who live in Aldershot, they're better pretending to live somewhere else . Aldershot has a lot to answer for.

    Strangely I don't actually see women criticised for being too vanilla; vanilla, on this site, and therefore corruptible seems to be a desirable attribute (and I can see some erotic logic in that)!
Fakes are of both genders really... but I guess the men going after the said women just don't care if they're vanilla or not.

The general idea is though that a Dominant person should mold a submissive to his/her liking. And since men are generally visually oriented, and they just don't care. So long as a woman looks hot in their eyes, or does what they want her to do, who cares right? Well they don't anyway.

If you want to meet real people, best thing you can do is visit events. Not just munches as they call them, but real events. Granted those do have a dresscode and single men aren't always permitted or pay a higher entry fee. I know it's discrimination but no one cares it seems. Anyway, you won't find many fakers there. Fakes like to be anonymous. And you're not when you stand before someone.


joyaandkenny 45M/47F  
19 posts
6/17/2017 12:47 pm

Almost forgot... want to take a test? Here's one you can take. It'll tell you what kind of kinkster you are... *LOL*

https://bdsmtest.org/

Enjoy!


joyaandkenny 45M/47F  
19 posts
6/17/2017 12:45 pm

    Quoting bdst1:
    Thanks for the thoughtful post. I get it that anyone dishonest is by definition a fake. (I also get it that people are treated with respect - that goes without saying). Thinking about it, what it comes down to is that I like to role play and enjoy most aspects of the acronym b d s m, giving or receiving; I know that does not make me a "real" dom/sub, I do NOT know whether that makes me a real switch (and I don't really care) but at the same time it does not make my wants any less valid or legitimate (or fun!). What I suppose I was querying is whether this is the right site given all that and all the responses have helped to clarify that. It is the idea of the 24/7 superiority complex I suppose that gets to me (clearly that does not apply to you).

    I have tried Fetlife. Correct me if I am wrong, but that seems to be more about events than personal contacts since there seems to be no way to search for suitable people. When I am single I am reluctant to turn up alone at events, and when I am part of a couple there is no need, so it hasn't so far worked out for me.
Fetlife..... considers itself a "social media" site for kinksters. Or anyone interested in it. And therefor (much like facebook) it doesn't have a feature to search for likeminded people. As for what it's used for. Well there's one large group of people love being watched (like my wife and and another who likes to perv. Oh and there's people who enjoy both watching and being watched.

As for Alt.com, well it's mostly a kinky dating site. But they have more niche sites along with a general dating site. But alt.com and the other affiliated sites are only about making money really. Hens the fact that you can't do much of anything if you're not a paying member. Whereas fetlife is more run by idealists who's main focus isn't money. (But of course keeping a site in the air does cost money, so paid membership is preferred).

As for the holyer than thou creatures on this site. Just be who you are, and be upfront with people you contact. I mean just be honest about your level of experience and your motives, and no one can call you fake. (Though some will anyway)

To me... yeah I consider myself a lifestyler, it isn't something I do or play. It's who I am. And I am just living my BDSM dream in a vanilla world (which means going under the radar and acting vanilla so the poor tender vanilla people don't get scared of the real me )

But do as you enjoy, and just be honest to other people. And I don't think you'll do much harm. The fake, dishonest ones though, I see doing a lot more damage. That's what I have against them.

But yes so Fetlife and alt.com are the two biggest sites. But honestly, I think most of the real lifestyle people of whom I consider myself one, even shun alt.com altogether. So most of the holier than thou people... wouldn't even be considered real lifestylers either... You still following me? *LOL*


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/29/2016 1:44 am

    Quoting tinkerfun:
    I've probably missed the post(s) in question but I wouldn't be here either if it was only for 24/7 enthusiast.

    I love sex, kinky sex, too and playing throughout the day but a true 24/7 would suffocate me whether I'd be Domme or sub.

    Don't you dare to go anywhere
Thanks. It's been good to see via the responses to this post that there are some, perhaps many, of us still about, and that what I'm looking for is not considered unworthy! I'll continue to log on, with the occasional random post, though it has to be said that it's over a year now since I last met someone from here (admittedly most of that I was in a fun relationship so wasn't actually looking). Hope you're having a good day today

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/29/2016 1:37 am

    Quoting slaaf85_91:
    Most profiles are by people curious to see and read erotic stuff for free, they want to remain anonymous and most of the information they provide is of no relevance as they do not seek any real contact.

    From those who really want a physical meeting, when you really meet them they are definitely not fake, but their interests are often false. About half of the dates I had with Doms were truly into BDSM. I use a local gay club for any first meeting with a perfect dongeon, some Doms ignore the BDSM installation and just push it to have sex with me. Once I feel my Dom ejaculate I know there will be no BDSM. Some are very rude and just disappear, with or without a compliment for my body. This is typical for dates made online.
Thanks. It's a clear theme that lots of people are pretending to be something they are not. It's perhaps a bit more surprising in the gay scene since (I assume) there are so many opportunities here or elsewhere if people are simply looking for easy sex.

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


slaaf85_91 61M
447 posts
9/29/2016 12:45 am

Most profiles are by people curious to see and read erotic stuff for free, they want to remain anonymous and most of the information they provide is of no relevance as they do not seek any real contact.

From those who really want a physical meeting, when you really meet them they are definitely not fake, but their interests are often false. About half of the dates I had with Doms were truly into BDSM. I use a local gay club for any first meeting with a perfect dongeon, some Doms ignore the BDSM installation and just push it to have sex with me. Once I feel my Dom ejaculate I know there will be no BDSM. Some are very rude and just disappear, with or without a compliment for my body. This is typical for dates made online.

Being different from the majority of people as homosexual my pleasure is in being used by others...


tinkerfun 46F
11150 posts
9/28/2016 1:46 pm

I've probably missed the post(s) in question but I wouldn't be here either if it was only for 24/7 enthusiast.

I love sex, kinky sex, too and playing throughout the day but a true 24/7 would suffocate me whether I'd be Domme or sub.

Don't you dare to go anywhere


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 11:05 am

    Quoting  :

Thank you! Though I have to confess I do what some would consider to be extreme sports - not sure where that leaves me

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 11:02 am

    Quoting  :

Yeah, it's a good point. Looks like I may have given that impression, wrongly as it happens, though no-one else noticed (yet). What I meant was, I personally do not want 24/7, for me it is in the bedroom only (well, you know, other places too).

I think an analogy works best. I cycle. In the winter, I tend to train indoors. There are people on cycling forums who say "real cyclists go out in all weathers". So they give every impression they consider themselves superior to us fake cyclists who prefer nice weather. Me? I don't give a shit, if I can ride with my friends and keep up, and not humiliate myself in events, I am happy.

I have no problem (that language again) with the year round outdoor cyclist - hats off to him/her. I do have a problem with the year round cyclist who thinks he's superior because of it.

Like cycling I don't care what anyone else thinks - I was just wondering whether I was in the right place. I think the tentative answer, from the responses, is yes, so all good!

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 10:02 am

    Quoting BearShadow:
    you are not a fake as long as you open and honest about what is it you seek. we all define kink as it relates to ourselves and that may differ to other people and I see that as being natural. my kink may not be your kink and the same switched around.

    if people want to see themselves as purists because they seek 24/7 well then "fill your boots"then. but that is not everyone's thing and nor does it need to be.
Thanks - I think you have put it well and succinctly

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 10:01 am

    Quoting joyaandkenny:
    By the way... If people ask, I am not above helping people figuring out where they belong In fact, I can't think of a greater honor, than being asked by a person without much experience to at least explain to them the basics (I am not talking about training a sub here). After all, everyone has to learn at some point. And some will do this by reading anything they can get their hands on, others prefer personal tuition.

    But the least one could expect in my opinion. Is that people would act online as they would in person, or am I too demanding in wanting that?
I agree - the whole point of communicating online is to see if you'd get on off line so what's the point in not being yourself. Though other replies here have articulated why some people fake it.

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 9:59 am

    Quoting booted_luver:
    There are a lot of fakes on Alt. There are a couple reasons for it. Some want to get off on chat and claim all kinds of things to keep you communicating. That is ok to a point, but when they tell you they are coming over and they have no intention of doing so it is definitely not ok. There are also those who don't know enough about what domination is and figure if they are getting a blow job (not receiving) they are dom. Best to just ask more questions and you can usually tell.

    I consider anyone who is sincere about their experience and preferences is real.
Agreed, thanks for the response

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 9:56 am

    Quoting joyaandkenny:
    It's a matter of perspective really.

    Me, I do consider myself a real 24/7 Dom, and my sub is the same. That said...

    What I would describe as fake people, are those pretending to be something they're not. If you're not into this lifestyle and just look for a kinky hook up that's fine by me. Just don't pretend you're an "experienced master" or such, like a lot of them do.

    Also, what most don't have, is some common desency. They read half a profile, then start acting all "dom" like through the inbox. Thinking submissives are doormats, sluts, whores, pigs you name it. The worst are the ones who do it to couple profiles and ignore conveniently that that profile is owned by two people. One of which is a REAL Dom.

    Either way, one, you don't treat people like that. I bet in person they wouldn't even have the nerve to talk to one, let alone in the way they do online. Two, have some decensy and at least be honest about your level of experience. Three, have some respect for the fact a submissive is owned by someone. Ignoring that fact doesn't make you any new friends.

    With that said. No I have no problem with vanilla kink hybrid people on this site. But at least don't pretend. That's the part that irritates me. Plus, fake doms have the potential to do a lot of damage to a sincere submissive who doesn't know. Same goes for fake submissives by the way.

    Just my two cents.

    That being said, have you tried fetlife.com too? That's a serious suggestion btw. Can never have enough profiles/ways to find people. In my opinion. That site also offers more roles to add to your profile, even one that says "vanilla" or "kinkster" (without defining if you're sub or Dom).
Thanks for the thoughtful post. I get it that anyone dishonest is by definition a fake. (I also get it that people are treated with respect - that goes without saying). Thinking about it, what it comes down to is that I like to role play and enjoy most aspects of the acronym b d s m, giving or receiving; I know that does not make me a "real" dom/sub, I do NOT know whether that makes me a real switch (and I don't really care) but at the same time it does not make my wants any less valid or legitimate (or fun!). What I suppose I was querying is whether this is the right site given all that and all the responses have helped to clarify that. It is the idea of the 24/7 superiority complex I suppose that gets to me (clearly that does not apply to you).

I have tried Fetlife. Correct me if I am wrong, but that seems to be more about events than personal contacts since there seems to be no way to search for suitable people. When I am single I am reluctant to turn up alone at events, and when I am part of a couple there is no need, so it hasn't so far worked out for me.

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


joyaandkenny 45M/47F  
19 posts
9/28/2016 9:32 am

    Quoting bdst1:
    Thanks. I hope I am not godworthy because the idea of spending eternity in heaven surrounded by religious zealots sounds worse than death! I have often wondered, is there some kind of appeals system? I mean if your life scores 51/100 you go to heaven and 49/100 you don't it seems a bit unfair to punish you for the whole of eternity for just failing slightly. Almost like the old grammar school system in the UK...

    Anyway, I digress... thank you for your comment. Hopefully other people here feel the same - I'd like to think it is a minority who stoke their own egos by claiming membership of a superior club that the rest of us are unfit to join.
That club actually exists on Alt.com. They have a little marker called "VIP" on their profile.. *LOL*


joyaandkenny 45M/47F  
19 posts
9/28/2016 9:28 am

By the way... If people ask, I am not above helping people figuring out where they belong In fact, I can't think of a greater honor, than being asked by a person without much experience to at least explain to them the basics (I am not talking about training a sub here). After all, everyone has to learn at some point. And some will do this by reading anything they can get their hands on, others prefer personal tuition.

But the least one could expect in my opinion. Is that people would act online as they would in person, or am I too demanding in wanting that?


joyaandkenny 45M/47F  
19 posts
9/28/2016 9:22 am

It's a matter of perspective really.

Me, I do consider myself a real 24/7 Dom, and my sub is the same. That said...

What I would describe as fake people, are those pretending to be something they're not. If you're not into this lifestyle and just look for a kinky hook up that's fine by me. Just don't pretend you're an "experienced master" or such, like a lot of them do.

Also, what most don't have, is some common desency. They read half a profile, then start acting all "dom" like through the inbox. Thinking submissives are doormats, sluts, whores, pigs you name it. The worst are the ones who do it to couple profiles and ignore conveniently that that profile is owned by two people. One of which is a REAL Dom.

Either way, one, you don't treat people like that. I bet in person they wouldn't even have the nerve to talk to one, let alone in the way they do online. Two, have some decensy and at least be honest about your level of experience. Three, have some respect for the fact a submissive is owned by someone. Ignoring that fact doesn't make you any new friends.

With that said. No I have no problem with vanilla kink hybrid people on this site. But at least don't pretend. That's the part that irritates me. Plus, fake doms have the potential to do a lot of damage to a sincere submissive who doesn't know. Same goes for fake submissives by the way.

Just my two cents.

That being said, have you tried fetlife.com too? That's a serious suggestion btw. Can never have enough profiles/ways to find people. In my opinion. That site also offers more roles to add to your profile, even one that says "vanilla" or "kinkster" (without defining if you're sub or Dom).


booted_luver 63T
4 posts
9/28/2016 8:46 am

There are a lot of fakes on Alt. There are a couple reasons for it. Some want to get off on chat and claim all kinds of things to keep you communicating. That is ok to a point, but when they tell you they are coming over and they have no intention of doing so it is definitely not ok. There are also those who don't know enough about what domination is and figure if they are getting a blow job (not receiving) they are dom. Best to just ask more questions and you can usually tell.

I consider anyone who is sincere about their experience and preferences is real.


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 3:17 am

    Quoting  :

Thanks. I hope I am not godworthy because the idea of spending eternity in heaven surrounded by religious zealots sounds worse than death! I have often wondered, is there some kind of appeals system? I mean if your life scores 51/100 you go to heaven and 49/100 you don't it seems a bit unfair to punish you for the whole of eternity for just failing slightly. Almost like the old grammar school system in the UK...

Anyway, I digress... thank you for your comment. Hopefully other people here feel the same - I'd like to think it is a minority who stoke their own egos by claiming membership of a superior club that the rest of us are unfit to join.

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 2:57 am

    Quoting Raven_GB:
    As Shakespeare put it: "what's in a name?"
    Other people's opinions (other than a current partner) matter not one jot. What counts is that it's sane, consensual and bloody good fun.

    I, for one, find it very disconcerting to get offers of 24/7 slavery and feel positively queasy when these come from black African women - call me a vanilla liberal: see if I care!
Agreed on all counts!

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 2:56 am

    Quoting  :

Thank you - that is reassuring. I feared we were a persecuted minority!

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 2:54 am

    Quoting  :

Phew - I must be real because I don't come from Aldershot! Presumably if there are any real people on here who live in Aldershot, they're better pretending to live somewhere else . Aldershot has a lot to answer for.

Strangely I don't actually see women criticised for being too vanilla; vanilla, on this site, and therefore corruptible seems to be a desirable attribute (and I can see some erotic logic in that)!

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page


Raven_GB 62M
854 posts
9/28/2016 2:03 am

As Shakespeare put it: "what's in a name?"
Other people's opinions (other than a current partner) matter not one jot. What counts is that it's sane, consensual and bloody good fun.

I, for one, find it very disconcerting to get offers of 24/7 slavery and feel positively queasy when these come from black African women - call me a vanilla liberal: see if I care!


bdst1 63M
703 posts
9/28/2016 1:13 am

type your response here

Contact me privately via the PM at the head of my blog page



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