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RnLeather 62F
1 posts
5/26/2016 3:56 am
What It's Really Like to Be in a D/s Relationship with Me


So I listen a lot to what people are saying (you might not think I’m listening because I also talk a lot!). And I find that people seem to have the oddest impression of what a D/s relationship with someone like me is like. Someone who makes the D/s the primary focus of the relationship. Someone who practices domination as per the dictionary definition:

Oxford dictionary: The exercise of power or influence over someone or something, or the state of being so controlled.

Now this is a pretty broad definition. It can cover a lot of things and a lot of areas. It seems to me that most people entering into BDSM (and some that have been in it a long time) believe that such exercise of power or influence can or is only used for the most negative of reasons. Indeed, there seems to be only one way to consider it:

Abusive, restrictive, unhealthy.

Certainly such power can be used this way. Certainly it is, even more so outside of BDSM than within it. This is why we trained people in the use of power in the old days. To ensure that it was none of the above.

Very few people spend a lot of time within my life. Those that do have a pretty good view of how I exercise my power of domination within a D/s relationship. However, even those people are not part of my daily life, seeing and understanding everything I do with my D/s partners. Much of what I do is private. Such is life with all of us. Few people see the daily intricacies of our relationship.

What I find interesting is that people ‘make up’ things about my life and lifestyle. They tell these things to others as if they were fact. I have no idea why they do this but it gets back to me eventually. So I thought I’d share a little about what it’s really like to be in a D/s relationship with me.

It’s structured: I have habits that I enjoy, which provide stability and comfort in my life. For example, making the bed on getting up each morning. Having a cup of coffee with my breakfast. Putting my clothes out before I hit the shower. Wearing a different lapel pin on my jacket each day for work. Washing the dishes up after each meal, drying them and putting them away. These simple habits are small acts that keep me happy. When I have a live in submissive, I may pass some of these or all of these on to that submissive to do for me. These structured acts become part of the foundational touch points of each day that remind us that it’s the small things done each and every day that are often the most potent signs of respect and care for each other. It’s also a reaffirmation of the commitment we made to each other to engage in this lifestyle day in and day out.

It's respectful: I teach people in my service to speak in tones and terms of respect and I try to do the same back. Outside of humiliation kink, which many of us love in the short term or for spot engagements, I believe in courtesy to all and I believe that only a relationship based on true respect for each other will survive. I immensely respect the dedication, courage and strength it takes to serve another. The title that my submissive gives me reminds me of this and reminds me that I need to show that respect back. I do this by listening when my submissive has a problem, by building in communication protocols that allow us to step back a bit when things are emotional, to approach each other respectfully even when we are struggling. This is, to me, one of the most important things we can do between us. Show consistent, daily respect. I also expect my people to be courteous to others. In practicing this everywhere, it makes it easier to do at home.

It's empowering: Growth and achievement are part of human nature. When one has power over another’s life, one has the opportunity to increase that person’s ability to grow. One can create opportunities for the other that they may not be able to create themselves, due to internal inhibitions, fears, habits that hold them back or simply a lack of ability to know how. These opportunities are as endless as the desires we hold within us. There is such a joy to be able to facilitate the fulfilment of a dream or a desire. And the opportunity to surprise people is endless. When one does not have to explain oneself, one can set up the most delicious surprises. For example, one day I put my slave in the car and drove her to the city. She asked no questions. I took her to a fetish clothing shop and spent two hours having her try on outfits. We walked out with the most awesome new outfit. That she had no idea we would be doing so increased her joy in the outing. Another time I took her on a trip to the zoo and then to Werribee Mansion where we spent the night. I signed her up for Tai Chi courses so she would work on gracefulness. I sent her for her massage certification because she wanted to learn massage. I encouraged her when she wanted to do her foodhandling, barista and bartending certification. I organised singing lessons for her, a viola tutor and bought a special laptop for her engineering studies. Life is anything but restrictive in my household.

It's romantic: Because I openly tell people I don’t date, don’t take lovers, boyfriends or girlfriends, they automatically assume there is no love, no affection, no romance. Really people. I love these things as much as anyone! In my lifetime I have been romanced by some of the best. I learned from all that. Why in the world would I want to restrict my submissive from such joyful and tender experiences? I have booked dinners at expensive restaurants, arranged romantic getaways, brought home flowers and small gifts, bought jewelry and given romantic cards. The difference is that I do so as a dominant. I do so for my submissive, my slave, not my girlfriend/boyfriend. I am intense in my passion for all things beautiful in life. The gold heart bracelet my former slave wears? That was an valentines day gift where I whisked her away to an artist’s treehouse retreat for the weekend. Romantic is also part of who I am. And because I control the situation, I can increase the romance factor 10 fold. I never get tired of showing how much I care about my people or finding new ways of showing it.

It's sexual: I am an intense, passionate person. Being in control of my emotions, being able to set them aside to deal with daily life or intermittent problems does not diminish my passion. Sex is hot, intense, powerful, creative. I might include bondage. I will include pain because I am sadistic in my sex as a dominant (I was masochistic as a submissive, go figure). I will tie my submissive up, I will flog them, I will put clamps on them, I will cut them. I will take them out somewhere on a drive and suddenly pull over, put them in the back seat or the boot area, strip off their pants (if wearing any), tie them up, insert toys and drive home. I will fuck them in the You Yangs three metres from the public path. I will push them over the counter in the kitchen and take them forcefully. I will call them a slut and tell them how they are mine, how they belong to me and all the things I will do to them until they squirm and cry out with need. Then I will take them and use them and promise to do it again. I will listen to their fantasies, their needs and I will take that away and plot and plan until I have come to an understanding of how to fulfil their deepest desires. Sex in front of others? No problem. Sex with another dominant while I control the scene? No problem. Interrogation fantasy? No problem. Outdoor sex? No problem. Orgasm control? Really, not a problem folks. Hell, I’ve had sex in the Louve in Paris. I know what can be done if one wants it enough. Through it all I will be in control and they will not. And as long as they fulfil their submissive nature with me, I will lust after them. Submission is the big red hot sex button.

It's social: I love my big wide crazy mixed up kink family. I love engaging with them, socialising with them, getting to know them, letting them know me. I have no reason to restrict the social interactions of my people. I am possessive but not jealous. I have no reason to restrict anyone from their friends, kinky or not. I encourage my people to socialise, to develop friendships, to go out and have fun with others. I enjoy private time and I can’t do that if I am with my submissive every time I’m not at work! I believe an active social life is healthy. I can also help them if they are shy, introduce them to people, help them learn the skills I learned that helped me overcome my own shyness so long ago.

It’s fun: People say to me, but I want to go to the movies, beach, etc and have fun. Good lord people, dominants are people too! I have movie nights with friends sometimes, I love going to the beach and in the ocean (I’ll wade in fully clothed, I don’t care). I do have a sense of humor and I love a good practical joke. My knows that one well. I love a wide range of movies, theatre, opera and ballet. I love museums and history, travel, circuses, street performers and so much more. I have never understood why one thinks they cannot have fun in a D/s relationship.

It's stable: I own my own home. I have a stable job and income. I have been living D/s full time since about 2005 and I have no reason to ever stop doing this. I am established, both in life and in my identity. People coming into my service have no reason to fear I will suddenly want to stop doing this. It isn't going to happen, at least not on my side. If they want to stop doing this, they are free to go and live otherwise. But I will never change because this is my deepest desire, my greatest freedom, my most intense joy. I have my own permanent, private play space that is always stocked and ready to go. Anyone engaging with me has the absolute assurance that I will never be wanting to walk away from the D/s.

It's work: I have a work hard, play hard ethic. I am busy, dynamic and don't spend a lot of time playing games or watching TV. As well as working full time, I am renovating my house, running KNOTbound, working on my gardens and have half a dozen projects on. I expect people I engage with to be willing to work alongside me. I don't ask what I am unwilling to do myself. Don't expect to sit around amusing yourself after serving coffee. If I ask you to do something and I'm not doing it with you, it's because you are serving me by taking some task off my list so that I can do some other task. I don't work all the time but I do enjoy the results of ongoing steady labour.

It's ethical: A lot of people who want to engage with me shy away for this reason. As ethical as people think they are, too often they are willing to shed those ethics for personal gain. I'm not. Those illegal videos and movies you're downstreaming? Not on my watch. There isn't even the good excuse that movies are too expensive to buy or go to the theatre. I get all my movie needs met through a $10 a month subscription service. Anything more is simple greed. I don't have time or patience for that attitude. I live an ethical life and my people need to be willing to commit to doing the same. I'm not into greed or selfishness at the expense of others. I examine my ethics and I expect my people to examine and understand their own. Anything else is a deal breaker. No submissive of mine will ever need to be ashamed because of my poor ethics. Nor should I have to feel ashamed of their behavior.

It’s partnership: Being in a D/s relationship is, for me, a partnership, a sharing of the responsibilities of creating a great life together that empowers, enthuses and enhances everyone’s life. I want people with me who are willing to work for that. It doesn’t mean they do all the work. It doesn’t mean I do all the work. It means we share the load equally, as partners, creating something unique, something special, and hopefully something lasting.

These are some of the things that infuse my D/s relationships. No, I don’t look for love matches. I look for compatibility matches. I look for people who want to grow and thrive and explore within the D/s power exchange. This is more important than falling in love to me. I’ve been in love, many times. But love didn’t make a great life. All these things I’ve written about have made a great life.

Control doesn’t have to be negative. Power exchange doesn’t have to mean losing one’s life. It can mean gaining much more of it.


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