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My Blog

Welcome to my blog!

An Open Letter to the Men who Message Me (Or are thinking of doing so)
Posted:Jun 9, 2016 2:03 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 11:7 am
7977 Views

First, I would like to thank you. Yes, thank you. I appreciate the time and effort you have taken to reach out, to write. I occasionally get an offensive message but honestly? It’s not that often. Even when I was a sub, it wasn’t really that often.

Reaching out can be hard. The truth is, most of us are on here to connect with someone, not just chat with our friends and we all know that, even when we're denying it vehemently. So I’m not offended that you took the initiative on that. I’m flattered that you felt it was worth your time.

I know, not what you’re used to. But I mean it.

Second, the fact that you didn’t say much or that your spelling is atrocious isn’t going to make me be rude to you. I grew up in a blue collar world with construction workers and welders and the like. I don’t expect everyone to have a fine grasp of the English language. I don’t value people less because of that. It doesn’t mean they are stupid. What it does mean, though, is that I’m going to struggle to connect with you because there aren’t enough words to interact with. I need to be able to talk back. Saying “Hi” or “How are you?” is going to get a “Hi” and “Fine” back. And the conversation stalls from there on. So you need to give me something to talk to you about. Okay?

It’s true that calling me Mistress annoys me. I’m a Leather dominant and if you don’t know what that is, really, please, look it up. I don’t wear high heels, thigh high boots and tight corsets. I wear jeans, a black shirt and combat boots. Yes, yes, I know there are pictures of me in dresses on my profile. We all change a lot through time. It’s very rare I put one on these days (mostly for the theatre) and it’s only for special occasions. If you don’t take the time to understand this, you’re going to be disappointed in my wide variety of t-shirts, because that’s mostly what you’re going to see me in.

I am not a misandrist. I don’t hate men. I don’t dislike men. I work with men every working day. I enjoy their company. We laugh a lot, we respect each other and I love what we do as a team. Most my intimate partners have been male. I loved them just as I loved my last partner who was female. I’m not looking for men to abuse, tear down or mistreat because of some problem I had in my past. I have problems with people, not genders. Gender doesn’t make you an asshole. I’ve known as many asshole women as men, frankly. So I’m not blaming every mistake or cruel thing some guy did to me on you. I don’t hang shit on people that belong on other people. Not my thing.

Now we come to the really important stuff and the reason I’m writing this letter.

The biggest problem any man has coming into a relationship with me is that their whole life they’ve lived a privileged status they aren’t even aware of. They have been protected. They have been handled with gloves. They have been spoon fed that no one…absolutely no one…has a right to question their masculinity and that this masculinity means they have a right to be in control of things, indeed, they have an obligation! Men have created for centuries a social order where the only one who has a right to challenge a man is…another man. And if you respect each other, you don’t. Challenge that is. You leave each other alone.

Now women, they don’t have this kind of thing. They are constantly challenged, by other women and by men. They take an ego thrashing like you wouldn’t believe. You never hear someone say “Oh women, we have to protect their fragile egos you know”. But I hear this all the time about men. I’m constantly being told I have to protect your fragile ego. Think about that. I dunno, but it doesn’t sound very much like something I’d want said about me. And certainly no one does!

This creates a few problems when you come into my house. Because I’m not going to protect your fragile ego.

I hear guys sometimes say, “You wouldn’t do that/say that to a woman!” Yes. I would. I have. And I will. In my house there is true gender equality. I treat both genders identically. I expect from both genders the same things. Courtesy in my house and to others. A sincere effort to learn what I expect you to learn. A true desire to serve someone who appreciates and loves the service mentality. Obedience to commands. Self-care of one’s health. Deference to someone else who is in authority. An ability to listen. A taste for self-discipline (which is required by a disciplinarian). And the acceptance of vulnerability. Expect to put all your shiny armour aside. It's not needed here. I protect my people and my home.

I don’t distinguish between “boy” tasks and “girl” tasks. If you have mechanic skills and want to maintain my car, great. But that doesn’t mean you won’t also learn to braid my hair or help me colour it, run me a bath or give me a manicure. You don’t get to pick and choose what I need or want done.

Because I am in control. And you are never going to be.

My house is mine. Someone said recently “But it’s our fantasies and we have a right for them to be whatever we want.” Yes. You do. What you DON’T have a right to is to come into my house and do whatever you want. The second you involve me it has to become a shared fantasy and that means there has to be some give and take. I and my home are not here to be used as a stage or backdrop to your fantasy.

Not only is my house mine but everything IN my house is mine. Everything. The toilet paper. The water in the toilet that I pay for. The soap by the sink that you use to wash your hands. Mine. And part of MY thing is that it stays mine. That you don’t have “rights” in my house and until you’ve proven yourself, you don’t have privileges either. You’re supposed to be there to serve me.

And this is my castle. So I get to say how that’s going to play out unless I’ve agreed to a different dynamic, as I do with people who are simply play partners.

As for sex, no, you aren’t going to fuck me. I did that for a lot of years, it was fun, now it works differently. You get to be MY sex toy, not the other way around. I’m going to use YOUR pink bits, you’re not going to use mine. You’re not going to touch one inch of my body until and IF I say so. I don’t need you to. I want to play with yours. I’ve been a sex toy. Now I’m looking for one of my own. I’m not looking for you to provide my sexual pleasure. I’m going to do that my way.

Again, you’re not in control. Not even of this. I am.

I’m not going to cater to your manly pride. If you do a good job, I’ll tell you. If you don’t, I’ll tell you. I expect hard work because I work hard. I’m going to treat you like a submissive first, a person second and then we can talk about your manhood, if we need to. Frankly, I don’t see why we need to, the first two should be sufficient.

Will all this emasculate you? No. If you think so, you forget all the times men have willingly served others in the course of history, with respect, with courage and with honour. I had a young man come into training with me and on his contract signing day I asked him why he was doing this. He said, and I quote, “Because I want to be the man I thought I was.” Three years later he wrote to me and he said that a person at his work had told him he was a good man and he wanted me to know that he was that good man because of the journey I had taken him on.

I have great respect for those that submit to the will and authority of another by choice rather than necessity. They are strong courageous people and they buck a society that narrowly defines what is good and right. The discipline they endure in the perfection of their art of service is worthy of great praise and I have been served by great people. I cherish each and every act of service performed, great or small.

So when you message me, keep all these things in mind because I am not going to protect fragile egos and I am not going to act out of gender bias and I am not simply going to play to your fantasy. Instead I will believe that you have great things within you if only you can lay your pride and ego aside long enough to go through the experience.
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What It's Really Like to Be in a D/s Relationship with Me
Posted:May 26, 2016 3:56 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2016 3:58 am
8993 Views

So I listen a lot to what people are saying (you might not think I’m listening because I also talk a lot!). And I find that people seem to have the oddest impression of what a D/s relationship with someone like me is like. Someone who makes the D/s the primary focus of the relationship. Someone who practices domination as per the dictionary definition:

Oxford dictionary: The exercise of power or influence over someone or something, or the state of being so controlled.

Now this is a pretty broad definition. It can cover a lot of things and a lot of areas. It seems to me that most people entering into BDSM (and some that have been in it a long time) believe that such exercise of power or influence can or is only used for the most negative of reasons. Indeed, there seems to be only one way to consider it:

Abusive, restrictive, unhealthy.

Certainly such power can be used this way. Certainly it is, even more so outside of BDSM than within it. This is why we trained people in the use of power in the old days. To ensure that it was none of the above.

Very few people spend a lot of time within my life. Those that do have a pretty good view of how I exercise my power of domination within a D/s relationship. However, even those people are not part of my daily life, seeing and understanding everything I do with my D/s partners. Much of what I do is private. Such is life with all of us. Few people see the daily intricacies of our relationship.

What I find interesting is that people ‘make up’ things about my life and lifestyle. They tell these things to others as if they were fact. I have no idea why they do this but it gets back to me eventually. So I thought I’d share a little about what it’s really like to be in a D/s relationship with me.

It’s structured: I have habits that I enjoy, which provide stability and comfort in my life. For example, making the bed on getting up each morning. Having a cup of coffee with my breakfast. Putting my clothes out before I hit the shower. Wearing a different lapel pin on my jacket each day for work. Washing the dishes up after each meal, drying them and putting them away. These simple habits are small acts that keep me happy. When I have a live in submissive, I may pass some of these or all of these on to that submissive to do for me. These structured acts become part of the foundational touch points of each day that remind us that it’s the small things done each and every day that are often the most potent signs of respect and care for each other. It’s also a reaffirmation of the commitment we made to each other to engage in this lifestyle day in and day out.

It's respectful: I teach people in my service to speak in tones and terms of respect and I try to do the same back. Outside of humiliation kink, which many of us love in the short term or for spot engagements, I believe in courtesy to all and I believe that only a relationship based on true respect for each other will survive. I immensely respect the dedication, courage and strength it takes to serve another. The title that my submissive gives me reminds me of this and reminds me that I need to show that respect back. I do this by listening when my submissive has a problem, by building in communication protocols that allow us to step back a bit when things are emotional, to approach each other respectfully even when we are struggling. This is, to me, one of the most important things we can do between us. Show consistent, daily respect. I also expect my people to be courteous to others. In practicing this everywhere, it makes it easier to do at home.

It's empowering: Growth and achievement are part of human nature. When one has power over another’s life, one has the opportunity to increase that person’s ability to grow. One can create opportunities for the other that they may not be able to create themselves, due to internal inhibitions, fears, habits that hold them back or simply a lack of ability to know how. These opportunities are as endless as the desires we hold within us. There is such a joy to be able to facilitate the fulfilment of a dream or a desire. And the opportunity to surprise people is endless. When one does not have to explain oneself, one can set up the most delicious surprises. For example, one day I put my slave in the car and drove her to the city. She asked no questions. I took her to a fetish clothing shop and spent two hours having her try on outfits. We walked out with the most awesome new outfit. That she had no idea we would be doing so increased her joy in the outing. Another time I took her on a trip to the zoo and then to Werribee Mansion where we spent the night. I signed her up for Tai Chi courses so she would work on gracefulness. I sent her for her massage certification because she wanted to learn massage. I encouraged her when she wanted to do her foodhandling, barista and bartending certification. I organised singing lessons for her, a viola tutor and bought a special laptop for her engineering studies. Life is anything but restrictive in my household.

It's romantic: Because I openly tell people I don’t date, don’t take lovers, boyfriends or girlfriends, they automatically assume there is no love, no affection, no romance. Really people. I love these things as much as anyone! In my lifetime I have been romanced by some of the best. I learned from all that. Why in the world would I want to restrict my submissive from such joyful and tender experiences? I have booked dinners at expensive restaurants, arranged romantic getaways, brought home flowers and small gifts, bought jewelry and given romantic cards. The difference is that I do so as a dominant. I do so for my submissive, my slave, not my girlfriend/boyfriend. I am intense in my passion for all things beautiful in life. The gold heart bracelet my former slave wears? That was an valentines day gift where I whisked her away to an artist’s treehouse retreat for the weekend. Romantic is also part of who I am. And because I control the situation, I can increase the romance factor 10 fold. I never get tired of showing how much I care about my people or finding new ways of showing it.

It's sexual: I am an intense, passionate person. Being in control of my emotions, being able to set them aside to deal with daily life or intermittent problems does not diminish my passion. Sex is hot, intense, powerful, creative. I might include bondage. I will include pain because I am sadistic in my sex as a dominant (I was masochistic as a submissive, go figure). I will tie my submissive up, I will flog them, I will put clamps on them, I will cut them. I will take them out somewhere on a drive and suddenly pull over, put them in the back seat or the boot area, strip off their pants (if wearing any), tie them up, insert toys and drive home. I will fuck them in the You Yangs three metres from the public path. I will push them over the counter in the kitchen and take them forcefully. I will call them a slut and tell them how they are mine, how they belong to me and all the things I will do to them until they squirm and cry out with need. Then I will take them and use them and promise to do it again. I will listen to their fantasies, their needs and I will take that away and plot and plan until I have come to an understanding of how to fulfil their deepest desires. Sex in front of others? No problem. Sex with another dominant while I control the scene? No problem. Interrogation fantasy? No problem. Outdoor sex? No problem. Orgasm control? Really, not a problem folks. Hell, I’ve had sex in the Louve in Paris. I know what can be done if one wants it enough. Through it all I will be in control and they will not. And as long as they fulfil their submissive nature with me, I will lust after them. Submission is the big red hot sex button.

It's social: I love my big wide crazy mixed up kink family. I love engaging with them, socialising with them, getting to know them, letting them know me. I have no reason to restrict the social interactions of my people. I am possessive but not jealous. I have no reason to restrict anyone from their friends, kinky or not. I encourage my people to socialise, to develop friendships, to go out and have fun with others. I enjoy private time and I can’t do that if I am with my submissive every time I’m not at work! I believe an active social life is healthy. I can also help them if they are shy, introduce them to people, help them learn the skills I learned that helped me overcome my own shyness so long ago.

It’s fun: People say to me, but I want to go to the movies, beach, etc and have fun. Good lord people, dominants are people too! I have movie nights with friends sometimes, I love going to the beach and in the ocean (I’ll wade in fully clothed, I don’t care). I do have a sense of humor and I love a good practical joke. My knows that one well. I love a wide range of movies, theatre, opera and ballet. I love museums and history, travel, circuses, street performers and so much more. I have never understood why one thinks they cannot have fun in a D/s relationship.

It's stable: I own my own home. I have a stable job and income. I have been living D/s full time since about 2005 and I have no reason to ever stop doing this. I am established, both in life and in my identity. People coming into my service have no reason to fear I will suddenly want to stop doing this. It isn't going to happen, at least not on my side. If they want to stop doing this, they are free to go and live otherwise. But I will never change because this is my deepest desire, my greatest freedom, my most intense joy. I have my own permanent, private play space that is always stocked and ready to go. Anyone engaging with me has the absolute assurance that I will never be wanting to walk away from the D/s.

It's work: I have a work hard, play hard ethic. I am busy, dynamic and don't spend a lot of time playing games or watching TV. As well as working full time, I am renovating my house, running KNOTbound, working on my gardens and have half a dozen projects on. I expect people I engage with to be willing to work alongside me. I don't ask what I am unwilling to do myself. Don't expect to sit around amusing yourself after serving coffee. If I ask you to do something and I'm not doing it with you, it's because you are serving me by taking some task off my list so that I can do some other task. I don't work all the time but I do enjoy the results of ongoing steady labour.

It's ethical: A lot of people who want to engage with me shy away for this reason. As ethical as people think they are, too often they are willing to shed those ethics for personal gain. I'm not. Those illegal videos and movies you're downstreaming? Not on my watch. There isn't even the good excuse that movies are too expensive to buy or go to the theatre. I get all my movie needs met through a $10 a month subscription service. Anything more is simple greed. I don't have time or patience for that attitude. I live an ethical life and my people need to be willing to commit to doing the same. I'm not into greed or selfishness at the expense of others. I examine my ethics and I expect my people to examine and understand their own. Anything else is a deal breaker. No submissive of mine will ever need to be ashamed because of my poor ethics. Nor should I have to feel ashamed of their behavior.

It’s partnership: Being in a D/s relationship is, for me, a partnership, a sharing of the responsibilities of creating a great life together that empowers, enthuses and enhances everyone’s life. I want people with me who are willing to work for that. It doesn’t mean they do all the work. It doesn’t mean I do all the work. It means we share the load equally, as partners, creating something unique, something special, and hopefully something lasting.

These are some of the things that infuse my D/s relationships. No, I don’t look for love matches. I look for compatibility matches. I look for people who want to grow and thrive and explore within the D/s power exchange. This is more important than falling in love to me. I’ve been in love, many times. But love didn’t make a great life. All these things I’ve written about have made a great life.

Control doesn’t have to be negative. Power exchange doesn’t have to mean losing one’s life. It can mean gaining much more of it.
0 Comments
My Mistress, My Lover, My Partner, My Friend
Posted:May 26, 2016 3:52 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 11:7 am
8374 Views

The last week of December 2016 will mark my twenty year anniversary. Twenty years with the greatest, most consuming love of my life. Twenty years of joy, of pain, of giggles and of tears. Twenty years of sorrow and suffering, pleasure and personal growth.

For twenty years my Mistress and I have travelled together. We have been around Australia, to Brisbane and to Sydney, to Canberra and Adelaide, to remote towns and to the heart of Melbourne. We have walked the beaches of Fiji, the streets of London, the palaces of France. We have been to museums and plays together, gone wading in the ocean together, sat in hot tubs together, stayed over at friends’ homes, camped out in the bush. We have gone grocery shopping, visited Bunnings and the $2 dollar shop, the marine and camping supply stores together. We’ve shared great times with our friends and family and spent other times alone together, pondering, thinking, planning, resting.

For twenty years we have never been apart. Not one day. Not one place. Not one activity.

No one knows me better. No one understands all the things that I am so well. No one has ever touched me as deeply, woven into my life so far that I cannot imagine a day, a night, a moment without her.

The ring I wear on my left hand signifies just how much she means to me. She is my marriage, my till death do we part. She is a seductress, beckoning me on constantly to new pleasures. She is my friend, holding me when I am down, counselling me when I need to make decisions, holding my hand in silence when no one is around. She is my partner, helping me make plans for the future, holding me to the tasks I need to complete, infusing me with new ideas for extraordinary things that I can do or make or be part of, reminding me of my values and commitments when I am in danger of forgetting. She is my muse, my inspiration. She is my lover, filling my sexual life with constant and ever changing delight. She is there, always at my back, giving me strength when life saps my energy and wearies me, reminding me of all we have been through together, of where we are going and that there is always hope and another tomorrow.

She is never stale, never boring, never old, tired or weary. She is forever beautiful in my eyes.

She IS demanding. She requires my attention, my commitment, my time, my energy, my imagination. She is never one to sit on the sidelines of life. She wants me there, in the thick of things, beyond mere existence. When I falter, she drives me on, constantly whispering seductive things in my ear until my strength returns to me and I turn to her and thank her for her persistence, for her patience, for the strength that is lent until I again find my own.

Because of her, I have grown strong in myself. I can stand unaided and unafraid, facing a world that is in turmoil, confused and frightened and I, myself, can put out a hand to steady others. Because of her, I have no fear and I know myself at levels most people never approach. Because of her I have been tested beyond what I ever thought I could endure and I have come through that fire a better person. Because of her I am immersed in everyday life with an appreciation and pleasure I cannot describe.

She is never static but ever changing. Wearing a thousand faces, ten thousand bodies. But she is there, in eyes that are sometimes blue, sometimes brown, sometimes green. She is there, in a million tears, in cries of pain, pleasure, frustration and sadness that come from a hundred eyes and throats. She is there, in leather and in latex, in high heels and in combat boots, in darkened rooms with loud music and in quiet rooms with soft moans. She is always there.

Sometimes someone will come who says they know her. They admire her. They respect her. They want to be part of our lives. I listen and I weigh. I check in with her. We ponder and we accept. They come and they join our dance because for that time, at least, they hear the music.

Then something changes. They want more of me and less of her. No matter how many times it’s been said that we come as a packaged deal, they grow jealous, demanding, manipulative. They try to separate us. They say we are not so close as we believe, that surely I can live without her if I really try. Surely there is more to life than this love of mine, this temptress, this seductress that fills me with love and energy and joy.

Sadness comes into my spaces. I look out at this world without her and I see greyness, a greyness I remember from before. Before I met her. Before she swept through my life and swept me away. Before she showed me all the colours that exist beyond the rainbow. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can never leave her.

Eventually they go, these mortal ones that do not understand that I am not alone and apart and separate from her but that we are hearts that beat as one, the blood in each other’s veins, the breath we share between us. To strip her from my life would be to strip life itself away.

And I let them go. By this time I have already mourned the passing of the mortal relationship, the “love” that was shared and then lost because they would no longer willingly share the life my Mistress and I have woven through the years. I understand. She is not to them what she is to me. It was me they wanted, but a me without her. A me that would be as obsessively devoted to them as I am to her. Something I can never give. That I said so in the beginning seems to make no difference. They don’t understand. They rage and they rale and they are angry. She and I, we can never part.

Nor do I want to. In the early days, there was strife, there was grief, there was anger sometimes and fear. But that has long passed. We are comfortable with each other, as couples become when they weather the storms of younger years. We understand each other, our weaknesses and flaws as well as our strengths. We have tested each other and found each other worthy of our devotion.

So please understand. I am married. I have been married for a long time. I will be married until I die. You may struggle to understand this. You may look at the ring on my finger while traversing my empty house and wonder at my conviction. You
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