In the dark ages, before the web, personals ads, and play parties, how on earth did BDSM play partners meet? Let's put aside the people who were already vanilla couples and grew into their BDSM play together. Let's start with 2 singles who wanted to meet a partner to have and to hold, to tie up and to whip. What recourse did they have? Well, there has always been code -- coded language, actions, and motions. For example, we often hear of the handkerchief code people have worn in bars over the years: hanky in the left pocket: dominant/top; hanky in the right pocket: submissive/bottom; red is for fisting, yellow is for water sports, and so forth.

These days, and apart from the bar scene, we still have our coded language. You only need mention the film "91/2 Weeks" or the film "Secretary" or the book, "The Story of O" to tip off other kinky people that you might be into kink. On the opposite side of this equation is preparedness -- be actively on the lookout for clues. Because novice kinky folk often believe that others like them are few and far between, they put their own kinky desires onto a back burner. When they're in mixed company, they simply forget those desires exist. Perhaps they assume some other pervert will approach them. Wrong on both counts.

Kink is a hidden world living within an overt world; it's all around you, but veiled. You have to take an active part in removing the veil. Look for clues, listen for people's topics of conversation. A discussion of movies and books is most revealing. Do they like heroines who play damsels in distress? Do they like the tough women? But once you think you've spotted someone whose desires mesh with yours, you need the courage to follow through. Have your coded message ready, spot your mark, take action.

A friend of mine met his match that simply. They were at a company barbecue. She dropped her napkin, he bent before her to pick it up. She said something like "I love it when a man bows to me," and they were off on their way to a very intense three-year D/s relationship. (He later learned that she had deliberately let the napkin fall in his path).

This is part of preparedness. Develop some exploratory remarks or scenarios and then be prepared to use them. Offer to light a cigarette, or find an excuse to kneel before the person, have a list of favorite movie scenes on hand and drop them into conversations with potential kink mates. Play with the language of exchange, saying things like "ask me nicely" or "that's 'yes, sir' to you." In this way, you suggest a power relationship. Once you've put it out there, watch how the other person reacts. Read the signs of arousal the same way you would in a vanilla context. You'll find these approaches grow more comfortable with use. But you have to jump in and begin.

The biggest problem newbies have is that they aren't so sure of themselves, of their desires or their ability to ask for what they want. Sorely aware of their "tendencies" but not having found someone who enjoys those tendencies, they tend to mask and hide the very clues that could lead them to a successful match.

Get over any sense of shame you might have about your kinky tastes. This is a big step, but probably the most important step to finding a partner. Work up the courage to own them -- admit your desires to yourself, get yourself to feel that these desires are perfectly OK. If you are timid about your desires, you want to become what, by your standards, might seem a little brash. It might take some stretching, but it's the only way to bring in the big fish.

Enter the online dating age. One good thing about ALT.com (besides that wonderful aid to sticking-out-of-neck, anonymity) is that newbies get to see there are people out there who appreciate, even crave, their kinky wiring. A submissive woman, intimidated by the social pressure to be assertive, independent, and so forth, will see that there are many men and women who love it when she gives up her control, plays "helpless" and places herself in the hands of a loving dominant.

In this way, you can use the site to help you get your self-acceptance level up even before you get yourself into a relationship. With self-accepting pro-activity, you may even find you are perfectly capable of finding kinky mates offline as easily as on.

[To Be Continued in "More Notes for Newbies." Click on that article for tips and exercises to help you build your kink appeal.]