Close Please enter your Username and Password
Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
Password reset link sent to
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service
My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > Is My Wife a Closet Dominatrix?
Is My Wife a Closet Dominatrix?   by Tristan Taormino

Member Votes

5 votes
6 votes
11 votes
15 votes
86 votes
Don't like So so Good Very Good Excellent
Members can vote on this response!

Editor Article Search

Text:  

Tristan Taormino is the author of several sensationally sexy and informative books including Down and Dirty Sex Secrets, Pucker Up: A Hands-on Guide to Ecstatic Sex, and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. Tristan tours the country touting the wonders of anal sex and the overall goodness of sex in all its frisky forms. News flash: This month, Tristan celebrates the release of Tristan Taormino's House of Ass, with a DVD party in New York City featuring the DVD's punk-wild star child Joanna Angel (check out Joanna's site, too www.burningangel.com). For details, visit Tristan's official website, www.PuckerUp.com.
---

Is My Wife a Closet Dominatrix?

I recently talked to a couple that has been together for six years, and they have come to a crossroads in their sex life. Sandra recently confessed to her husband Rick that she thinks she is kinky. She’d been surfing the Web and “stumbled” onto some S/M websites and into chat rooms, and all the things she read and saw really turned her on. She confessed to Rick that when she masturbates, her fantasies are filled with S/M images and scenarios, and they never were before. She hinted that she might want to tie him up.

While this may be great news to some guys, it’s caused a lot of anxiety for Rick. He had never done anything like that with Sandra or any of his past lovers. He told me he felt suspicious that she’d been hiding this stuff from him. He was not sure how he felt about this new side of her, and he asked me (without a hint of humor), “Is my wife a closet dominatrix?” He felt insecure that this might be the beginning of the end.

When your partner who you’ve been with for a long time comes to you and reveals a new erotic interest, it’s difficult not to think, “How long have you been keeping this from me?” and that was Rick’s first reaction. I’m not denying that couples keep secrets from one another, especially sexual secrets since many of us can have shame, guilt, and fear about sharing the stuff that really makes us hot. But I told Rick I’d rather he start by giving her the benefit of the doubt until there is information that proves otherwise. Sometimes our erotic desires are simmering in our unconscious and we’re not aware of them. “Believe that Sandra has just acknowledged her newfound kinkiness to herself and give her credit for being able to share it with you,” I said. There's a very important sexual fact in play here that doesn't get much discussion: our desires do change. And they can change in all kinds of ways, in degree, in direction, in tastes. I encouraged Rick to be ready to let go of the sexual person Sandra once was, because obviously something has shifted inside her.

The next step for Rick was to thoughtfully consider if he had any interest in exploring this new kind of play with his wife. As much as we talk a lot about wanting to spice things up in the bedroom, we also like what is familiar and comfortable. Change can be scary. On the other hand, Sandra’s admission could be an opportunity for the couple to delve into new territory together, to expand their erotic repertoire, and to deepen their intimacy. That is, of course, if Rick is ready to take the leap. I encouraged him to start reading some good S/M fiction. I think some of the hottest, most well-written books about S/M are Laura Antoniou’s Marketplace Series: The Marketplace, The Slave, The Trainer, The Academy, and The Reunion. Patrick Califia’s erotic fiction is also superb, and you can’t go wrong with classics like The Story of O. Stories will give Rick a reference point to see what, if anything, turns him on and what, if any, role (Master, Daddy, slave, boy, etc.) he identifies with.

The role he might like to play is crucial since I suspected immediately that Rick might be uncomfortable with Sandra being the one in charge. When I pressed her for details about what she might like to do, I learned that many of her fantasies involved her as the dominant and Rick as the submissive. “I just have this scene in my head where I surprise him one night when he comes home from work,” she said. “I have my favorite dildo and I am playing with it on the bed. When he approaches me, I flip him over and pin him down. I tie him to the bed and order him to lick my juice off the dildo. I put a collar around his neck. Then I tease him a lot, torture him, I deliberately don’t let him fuck me. I tell him he can’t have any of my pussy until he does exactly what I say.” She lit up when she relayed the fantasy, and I could tell she’d been playing it over and over in her head.


Rick seemed open to some experimentation, but he was used to being the one who called the shots. He liked when Sandra initiated sex, but he was not sure if he wanted her to take it that much further. I think it’s common for many men to resist indulging their submissive side–if they have one, which I think most people do–for fear that it will somehow make them weak, passive, or less than a man. But engaging in some power play, with you being the one who surrenders, does not make you “less than.” It does, however, make you vulnerable, and you have to be willing to go there to reap the rewards.

“I’m not going to lick her boots or be her bitch,” Rick told me. I didn’t remember anything about bootlicking or bitch-being, I responded. I told him he needed to listen to Sandra’s fantasies, the specifics of them, because once he heard the word “submit,” he went off into his own world of fears and fantasies associated with it–and they didn’t have anything to do with what Sandra wanted.

The next step for these two was to communicate about what turned them on and some things they wanted to try as well as their turn-offs. They also needed to meet in the middle. I think it’s important for couples just starting in S/M exploration to try out being the top and the bottom, rather than limiting themselves to just one role. Having some flexibility can help you to experience both sides of the power exchange as well as ease your partner’s fears that you are each “stuck” in one role. And that's exactly how it worked for Sandra and Rick. Once Sandra agreed she’d play with both roles, Rick felt much more comfortable to let her inner dominatrix come out of the closet for some play time.


Visit Tristan at [extern url='http://PuckerUp.com' target='_blank' text='PuckerUp.com'].