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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Sexpert > Pillow Talk, Twisted
Pillow Talk, Twisted   by Cleo Dubois

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In her 20-plus years of kinky experience, Ms. Cleo Dubois has studied ritual piercings among primitive tribes, acquired expertise in rope bondage, and developed her own special fire at the end of a whip. Cleo's DVDs, The Pain Game and Tie Me Up, are seminal works in the field of BDSM education (available online at http://www.cleodubois.com/video.htm). Cleo presents seminars and weekend Intensives around the San Francisco Bay Area. In fact, her reputation for intense workshops and in-depth understanding of the rituals of BDSM has made Ms. Dubois a favorite guest presenter at major leather conferences throughout the country.

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There I was, sitting on the stage at San Francisco’s Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. I started the program with the first three minutes of my docu-film, “The Pain Game.” I observed that the images of flogging and piercing in connected real SM scenes had a big impact on the students. When the lights came back on, the room was still and silent.

“Take a deep breath,” I said. “BDSM is about control and surrender and it can be a bit intense! Of course, this style of eroticism needs to be negotiated and truly consensual.” I paused. “I am a sado-masochist and I am also a part-time housewife who loves gardening. Trust me, I do not torture my plants!”

The laughter lightened the mood and I shared my coming out story, as I did here in column 11, “Magicians, Queens, Predators and Fools.” We know our psyches are made up of archetypes, personas, ego, shadow, and self. Our libidos run through them all, a river of erotic energy. Being aware of our inner landscape certainly helps us understand our own fantasies, and venture to explore them safely and passionately.

I wanted to know about these young students of human sexuality. So I passed out blank cards asking them to write down one of their fantasies. Why? Because consent between adults is fundamental to BDSM, where erotic secrets fuel our desires! We cannot agree to accept something we are not aware is being offered and we cannot comply with giving something we have not been asked to give. So we negotiate to get what we need.

That afternoon, I selected a rather common kinky scenario from the 30 plus cards I collected. It read, ”I wish my girlfriend would sometimes be my cruel Mistress and I her boy toy, she would tie up my cock, squeeze my balls really tight and take me through my paces. I think she is afraid of hurting me but I feel that she might like to be dominant. She often teases I need a good spanking!”

My advice? Encourage her to begin with something she fantasizes about like giving you that spanking she has been teasing you with. Promise to be a good boy. Maybe you could pick up a leather collar and offer it to her, letting her know that when she puts it around your neck, you consent to her being in control and agree to behave.

The idea is to communicate so you both get something you want and she lets go of her fear to hurt you. A good idea is to set up a scale of intensity from 0 ‒ 10, so when she asks, your reply tells her where you are at. Say 6 is good but 9 is getting to your limit and 10 is red, or stop. Once you discover what each of you needs to make your play hot and sexy, you jump into that river of eroticism and off you go! “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need!”

Negotiations continue, often non-verbally, throughout the scene. In “The Pain Game,” when I am tightening the clamps on Brad’s nipples, you hear him growl, “more, please Madame ” more than once! What does your sub’s body language say to you? Are you both turned on?

Take notice and follow your intuition. It is a dance where each step carries consent. Bad idea to over script your scene! It is an erotic improvisation, isn’t it? Agree on safewords and know there is no shame using them. And please, do not forget mutual aftercare. Recently, a couple came to me for private coaching and found that Tops have limits and need aftercare too!

During our negotiations, George was enthusiastic about Juliet’s resistance play fantasy. She knew she had an inner rebel who needed to be taken down and ravished by her lover. He felt pretty confident that he could get into it, although it wasn’t his usual style. Even though they both switch, he was not sure he trusted himself to keep things safe in the heat of the moment. That is why they wanted me as witness for their safety.

I could feel their charged energy the moment they entered my office. Her eyes were afire. I asked George to wait for us in the dungeon and to center himself. She started to resist as I led her to him. It took both of us to secure her wrists and ankles to the frame of my rope web. She was feisty indeed!

“Starting with a good slap on her face, George moved on to smacking her breasts and thighs with his open hand. She flared her anger at him, pulling as hard as she could against her restraints. He called her a brat for fighting back. He then picked up a short cane and continued his onslaught. Her groans were really angry growls now. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, ” she barked at him.

“Go on. Keep fighting all you want. You’re going nowhere,” he bellowed. I had to raise my own voice to say, “I do not hear any safewords, no shame using them Miss,” which is how I remind bottoms there is always a way out.

George knew just how to be relentless. Suddenly he stopped and put his hand between her legs and found her soaking wet. “So it turns you on when I slap you, doesn’t it, you slut! You are toying with me, aren’t you, girl? You want it, don’t you?”

He returned to slapping her face and she kept on struggling. Just as I was about to step in, George took a step back, breathed deeply, and deliberately reached for her nipples. Their eyes locked as he slowly squeezed harder and harder. “Enough,” I heard him say in a deep and serious tone “No more. You’re mine.”

“Yes Sir”, she softly replied as she melted in surrender. We untied her quickly and George put his arms around her sitting her in his lap on the carpeted floor. “Good girl. I love you so much,” he whispered. I noticed his shoulders start to shake. “George, are you ok?” I asked.

Yes, Cleo and I admit that I scared myself a little bit. A few minutes ago while I was repeatedly slapping Juliet’s face I felt a part of me I did not like come out, and I almost called RED. It felt very dark and I was glad you were here. I knew you would not let me get out of control.” I assured him that his timing and intuition were right on, because I was just about to intervene. “Please be gentle with each other and honor the journey you shared,” I told them, as I went back to my office to give them some private time.

I love my work. Checking my calendar, I see the San Francisco Fetish Ball 2006 is coming up. Meet me back here next month for a real change of pace as we get a special look inside the show.

In leather pride, with heart,
Cleo Dubois

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Here's what Cleo has coming up:
The Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend for Dominant Women and Women Who Switch
March 25-26, 2006
The SF Citadel, San Francisco
Meet & Greet Friday, March 24
Hands-on training, Limited to 8 students - Enrolling Now!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax
http://sm-arts.com/players-course.htm
http://sm-arts.com/players-application.htm


The Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
May 13-14 , 2006
The SF Citadel, San Francisco
Meet & Greet Friday evening May 12
Hands-on training, Limited to 8 students - Enrolling Now!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax
http://www.sm-arts.com/mens-intensive.htm
http://www.sm-arts.com/mens-application.htm