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| Photo credit:Fakir |
Even in farout Hollywood, the display at the Antebellum Photo Gallery has made a splash: a “Businessman” in his white shirt and tie kneels hooded and bound with black ropes right there in the gallery’s front window for passers by to see.
Inside, a large friendly gathering of Leathermen circulates amid the radical images in the artists’ groundbreaking work. Domasan is busy tying one handsome model after another in bright red ropes. Hooded or blindfolded, these attractive men are quite helpless, and yet no one dares touch.
This crowd knows that just because someone is vulnerable, it doesn’t mean they’re up for grabs.
According to BDSM etiquette, if you want to touch, you must have permission. (And as you can see, permission I did get.)
Power point one: Informed Consent
In BDSM, it’s more than simple permission. Informed consent is the key to playing erotically with power. Whether it be the casual interaction I had toying with the nipples of this stranger in the hood, or a night of sexual dominance and submission with your lover, negotiation is essential for energy to flow between two consenting adults. Good play is a shared journey!
My most recent Intensive for Men brought together eight friends looking to gain more confidence and finesse during the games of control and surrender they play with their girlfriends. Prior to this Intensive, they’d had mixed success with their play scenes ‒ some went well, and others not-so well. These guys are smart, self-aware, and used to handling power at the workplace.
But playing with erotic power is a different game! For me, negotiation is where it all starts.
Power point two: Communicate
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| Photo credit: Fakir |
Because every BDSM player brings different desires, preconceptions, and misconceptions to a class, I never know exactly what issues might come up. That is one of the challenges I enjoy about this kind of work. And at this particular Intensive, I soon learned that Bill, one of the attendees, felt that discussing needs and boundaries with his partners might “kill” the fun! When asked to enact a negotiation, his negotiation was simply to get permission to tie up his date. He answered her questions only with the promising that they would have a good time. No safewords, no details ‒ in my book a recipe for a scene that can easily go wrong! While a top may think that all he needs is a willingness to abort a scene if things go wildly wrong, aborted kinky play is more than likely to leave the Top and the bottom with feelings of rejection, guilt and blame. Often that means no more play!
Making clear and relevant boundaries before playing allows hot and enjoyable play for everyone. In my course, I pair the men up with volunteer bottoms and send the pairs off to different parts of the room to practice negotiation skills. In this class, I paired Bill with Lola. Some time after the class, Lola emailed to tell me how her attempt at negotiatiation with Bill had gone.
His first question to Lola was "Is Lola your real name?"
She replied, "Maybe, but let's focus on the exercise please."
"Well, I'll take that as a 'no'," he said.
Lola happily let that one go. The premise of their negotiation was that they had met at a party the week before and made out a little. Now he was approaching her to take things further.
Bill: "Would you like to go out on Friday?"
Lola: "Sure, what do you have in mind?"
Bill: "You'll just have to see."
Lola tells the rest, “at every juncture, he stepped outside of the negotiation to comment on how inorganic the process was and how talking about it beforehand would ruin the experience and intrigue. He kept saying, "you’ll just have to see" when I asked him for more information. -- Hello! I‘d never go out with anyone who refused to tell me where we might go and what we might do! -- So he did tell me that he wanted to tie me up for fun.”
Lola: "Okay, I might like that. What do you think that might lead us to?"
Bill: "Well, you'll just have to wait and see.”
At that point, Lola just had to explain how she would have reacted to Bill’s approach in real life: "I wouldn't play with you if you refused to be forthcoming about your desires."
After reading Lola's email, I responded by applauding her for speaking her truth and helping Bill learn an important lesson.
Power Point Three: Trust with Boundaries
Everyone -- Tops and bottoms -- has boundaries. Just as Lola would not trust Bill, I do not believe a submissive who says,” I’ll do anything you want Mistress, ANYTHING!” S/he is assuming that s/he will be given orders that are within his/her unspoken limits. That is not informed consent.
Bill repeated the exercise with another volunteer, only this time he was a lot more successful. His new practice sub insisted that, no matter what, she was not to be gagged. She also said she’d agree to play only if he promised to honor safewords. He agreed. And he meant it. Ropes OK, but gag no! She had just set the boundaries that matched her level of trust.
Later that night, during the play party, I heard Maggie, Bill’s own submissive date call out “yellow,” the safeword for “slow down please.” I watched as he stopped paddling her beautiful ass and checked in with her. A few moments later they resumed their play. I heard her giggle! She was glorious stretched out on the St. Andrews cross, naked except for her black leather boots and the white ropes binding her wrists, waist, and ankles. A bit later she surrendered to his passionate kissing… very hot!
As I was leaving that private play party the Citadel in San Francisco, a casino ad on a billboard just around the corner from our community dungeon caught my eye. It read, “Play powerfully!”
Hey, that is what we had just done! The casino ad made me laugh! Just like the gambler, we kinksters want to play powerfully too, but unlike the gambler, we know better than to leave things to luck.
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| Photo credit:Z. Maitri |
I’ve been a big fan of JD’s since meeting him five years ago at a “Basic Rope Bondage” workshop he taught. The pleasing esthetic of his work appealed to me. I also like his considerate and lively approach. Creating efficient bondage that is beautiful takes artistry, skill, and a lot of practice. The Two Knotty Boys call their dynamic, elegant, and sexy style “fusion bondage.”
There is more than esthetic to bondage though. Its erotic power can be sweet, alluring, seductive, sharp or lyrical. There is also that paradox, feeling free while bound! I met Jana, the tall fiery bottom in my film Tie Me Up, at that same Two Knotty Boys workshop. She loves to be restrained as much as she loves to try to wiggle out of her bounds. She became quite the brat during the shoot. I was not surprised; she knew I liked playful brats! I just had to discipline her with a sound spanking!
[Ed: Wouldn’t we like to see the special behind-the-scenes feature of that film shoot!]
In our world it takes all kinds! Brats, bondage fetishists, devoted submissives, switches, service Tops, Masters and Mistresses, all visit the dungeon. Next month, I will tell you how I saw a beautiful sadistic Mistress be born before my very eyes.
In leather pride, with heart,
Cleo
[extern url='http://www.cleodubois.com' target='_blank' text='www.cleodubois.com']
[extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com' target='_blank' text='www.sm-arts.com']
When not writing for ALT and traveling the country doing demonstrations, Ms. Dubois enjoys coaching couples in private, guided play at her SF Bay area dungeon. You’ll find her special couples page at [extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com/couples.htm' target='_blank' text='www.sm-arts.com/couples'].
Other opportunities to workshop with Ms. Dubois:
Erotic Dominance Intensive, Professional Course (for women)
August 4-6, 2006
SF Citadel, San Francisco
Meet & Greet Thursday, August 3, 7-9:30 pm
Deepen your understanding of fetishes, make your scenes soar!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois, Eve Minax & Selina Raven
To enroll, visit:
[extern url='http://sm-arts.com/pro-application.htm' target='_blank' text='www.cleodubois.com/pro-application']
[extern url='http://sm-arts.com/pro-course.htm' target='_blank' text='www.cleodubois.com/ pro-course ']
[extern url='http://www.cleodubois.com' target='_blank' text='www.cleodubois.com']
Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend, Players’ Course (for women)
September 30-October 1, 2006
SF Citadel, San Francisco
Meet & Greet Friday, September 29, 7-9:30 pm
Gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois and Eve Minax
To enroll, visit :
[extern url='http://sm-arts.com/pro-application.htm' target='_blank' text='www.cleodubois.com/pro-application']
[extern url='http://sm-arts.com/pro-course.htm' target='_blank' text='www.cleodubois.com/pro-course']
[extern url='http://www.cleodubois.com' target='_blank' text='www.cleodubois.com']
