Sound too good to be true? It really is too good to be true. When writing a profile, I can be anything or anyone I want to be. I can look like anyone I wish to, even to the point of using pictures that are not of me. I can be male, female, hung like a stallion, trained by top secret BDSM monks from a Tibetan English Japanese House, or any other thing my heart desires. How do you separate fact from fiction? How do you stay safe? I hope to give you some tools to make this a little bit easier.
You have read the perfect profile. The person of your dreams finally is within reach. You begin chatting. Where do you go from here? There are things you should know before you give out too much information. There are precautions to take at that first meeting and beyond. I would like to address all of these things because I feel that safety is paramount to any good relationship, especially those that form online.
To begin with, ask questions. When you ask the questions, listen to the answers. Do they add up?
- "How long have you been in the scene?"
If a person tells you they have been doing this for 20 years, then they should have plenty of references from others in the lifestyle and should be willing to provide them. - "How experienced are you?"
If they tell you that they have years of experience, then they should be quite knowledgeable about the
scene, both with terminology and technique awareness. - "What is it about BDSM or the scene that you enjoy most? The exchange of power? Role playing? Kinky Sex?
If a person is not entirely new to the scene, they should have a good idea of what it is that they enjoy
about the lifestyle. There are many facets of the lifestyle and most of us have many interests; however,
we do know what we like and are willing to share that knowledge. - "Who/what are you looking for?"
I should have a good idea of who or what I am looking for. If I want a submissive, slave, pony girl, service person, or whatever.
When you are talking to the other people in chat or IM, look for clues that should send up Red Flags when they occur:
Is the person you are talking to rude and domineering?
Does he/she seem to be avoiding questions or hiding things?
Do they seem to change stories or contradict themselves?
Are they ready to begin the relationship from the first meeting?
Does he/she laugh off your safety measures and concerns?
Does he worry about being seen in public with you?
Does he make excuses regarding participating in local group munches or other events with other lifestylers?
The list is endless when it comes to things that should be red flags regarding meeting someone. One of the biggest tools that you can use is your gut feeling. If it feels too good to be true, then it usually is. If it just seems like something is wrong or being hidden, then it you should look at those feelings and not dismiss them too quickly.
When it finally is time to actually meet someone in person, there are things that are quite necessary in order to do what you can to keep yourself safe. Location and Safe Calls are two examples.
Always meet in a public place. Make sure that it is a place that is well lit and crowded like the mall, a busy restaurant, or something along these lines.
Bring a cell phone with you.
Don’t leave your keys, wallet, or anything with personal information unattended.
Don’t leave with the person to play, go to their place for a drink, or any other places that will put the two of you alone.
Make sure you are not being followed when you leave the meeting place.
Have a SAFECALL in place and make sure that you respond.
Safecalls are of the utmost importance. A good guideline is as follows:
First, if the person you are meeting objects to the safecalls or laughs them off, end the meeting or cancel it. If your safety is not important to the other person, then that person does not have your best interests at heart and that is a big warning sign.
Make sure that the person that is your safecall contact knows your information including your car information and tag number.
Make sure that they have all of the information on the person you are meeting such as:
Name (real and screen names)
Address and phone number
Age and description
Where you are meeting
When you are meeting
Make sure that you have agreed on code words to be used in the safecall. One should indicate things are OK and one for needing help. Those code words should be words or lines that will not give suspicion if they are used.
Safecalls should be made several times. Within 20 min. of arrival. 30 min. after the first call. Again after 30 more min. When leaving and then again after you're clear of the place and sure that you're not followed.
Make sure that you know your safecall contact quite well and that they are dependable and willing to follow through with the calls and notifying the police if something is amiss. Remember that safecalls are not going to guarantee safety but they are a great tool combined with common sense and good judgement.
Please keep in mind that there are a lot of sincere people in the lifestyle that want to meet others. There are also predators, users, and abusers out there as well. If we are careful and diligent in our choices, we have a much better chance of meeting the right person(s) to fit our needs and desires. Happy Hunting.
Bill can be contacted on ALT.com by visiting his profile SwitchTulsa, or by emailing Leatherfolk@cox.net
