How do you see yourself? What do you hear inside your head when you're about to climax?
For me, finding out who I am in BDSM took years! It's certainly not as simple as checking a few boxes on some negotiation list. I started by saying yes to being whipped by a Leatherman I trusted. Shortly after, I wanted to whip my lover. So I got the hint early on that I was a Switch. One play session at a time, one negotiation at a time, my Dominant personae emerged. Seeking knowledge and acceptance I became very involved in my community as I continued playing on both sides of the whip. 15 years after coming out as a kinky woman I married a man in that very community. I would not have it any other way!
But, you ask, how do I tell a prospective partner that I am interested in kink when I am not sure what I really want?
At a recent class at Good Vibes, the SF sex store, I passed around little cards, asking those in attendance to write a true fantasy they had not dared share yet with a lover. I found that rough sex, bondage, spanking were the recurring themes. Wanting to be used also came up more than a few times. Well, that's the stuff kink is made of.
Here are a few sentences you might find useful in an honest and fair negotiation with a potential partner you trust enough to show your true colors.
- I am attracted but hesitant or afraid to tell you about my desire to _______ .
- I have not played with ________________ but would like to try it with you.
- I do not want to _____________________ (for now).
- I really like _____________________ .
- I get embarrassed and turned on by _____________________ .
- I love it when I get called a _____________________ .
- Do you have any toys you'd like to use on me?
- I'd like to use my favorite toys which are __________________ with you.
- I would really love to do ____________________ for you.
- Would you do _____________________ for me?
- And most importantly:What do you mean by that? This is one of the most non-judgmental ways of asking for clarification, since we're not mind-readers.
Revealing your desires might not come easily.
I often ask new players, “What do you want to try? What are you afraid of and yet attracted to? Do you know your hard limits --what you really do not wish to participate in, for now?” As with any exploration, there are risks as well as awesome rewards waiting to unfold.
Recently, John requested a private consultation. A well-spoken and educated man, he tells me that the new woman in his life revealed to him that she was kinky. She wants him to tie her down, spank her and make her do things she normally would not do…Umm! He found her desires titillated him and felt obliged to her for her trust, all the while feeling a bit clumsy about his role as her rough lover. He noticed how turned on he got with her on her knees begging for more and yet he wanted to make sure he wasn't really hurting her. He felt this was only the tip of the iceberg, that there were skills to be mastered and dangers to avoid. He asked me “Who am I in this context? A budding Top, maybe a Master? She likes pain. Does that mean I need to be a sadist? I do not want to lose her. I want to give her what she craves AND feel good about myself.”I explained to him that little by little his own style of dominance will emerge and that communication will remain the most important tool in his toy bag. I pointed out to him that many a submissive has a great desire to please and gets much pleasure by being challenged. Besides, the energy you build in BDSM play is very exhilarating and teaches us a lot about who we are as we engage in these consensual adult games.
Of course we all have limits! Say never, but know that your boundaries will change in time and with different partners depending on how deeply you connect sexually and emotionally!
Start simple. Not with a 24/7 slave contract, please!! More like: “So you want me to be your Master this Saturday? I expect you to wait for me in the candlelit bedroom on your knees at 9PM sharp wearing the sexy lingerie I gave you on Valentine's day and your black stilettos. Lay the leather collar and the leash we bought together on the bed and present me with a handwritten note with your wishes for the evening. Remember, you offered to be in my service.
You might ask her what she really meant when she said she wanted to be in service. Receiving a whipping or pleasurable spanking does not look like service to me, more like a little kinky sensation foreplay or a punishment game. Agree that safewords will be used and respected. Look for that feeling of connection, as you control her and allow her to let go into surrender.
Fine tuning play takes time. Often a woman will go along with her partner's fantasy of domination. It might take her a while to realize that although he calls her Mistress, he is topping her from the bottom all along.
Maggie wrote me that she has been “doing” Frank for 2 years but she has grown tired of it and really wants to become the dominant one in their erotic roleplay. “Frank has been introducing me to what he wants/needs and setting up the scenes. I've learned some, but I always feel that I am just doing what he wants and would like to really take control as well as become more expert at caning.”
Great and I told her that with that awakening she will hold more power and more responsibility.
BDSM games take skill and mutual respect even if humiliation is on your play list. Be honest about what you know you want and do not want, what skills you have and have not yet. No one likes to be rejected or blamed. Never be afraid to speak up if it feels abusive. However “scary” it is negotiating honestly about your desires, getting your needs met is…priceless.
In leather pride, with heart,
Cleo Dubois
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When not writing for ALT and traveling the country doing demonstrations, Ms. Dubois enjoys mentoring couples in private, guided play at her SF Bay are dungeon. You'll find her special couples page at: [extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html' target='_blank' text='http://www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html']
Upcoming Events:
Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
March 31-April 1, 2007 at the SF Citadel
Meet & Greet Friday evening, March 30th
Dominate with competence, presence and passion!
Hands on training. Limited to 8!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois & Eve Minax with the assistance of Selina Raven
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-men.html
The next Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Women & Women Who Switch
May 5-6, 2007 at the SF Citadel
Meet & Greet Friday evening, May 4th
Gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar!
Hands-on training. Limited to 8!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois & Eve Minax with the assistance of Selina Raven
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-women.html
