How do you know?
Look at those sexual fantasies of yours we talked about in last month's column, "Kinky? Who? Me?" How do you see yourself when you're turned on, ready to climax? What "dirty" words do you hear in your mind? For instance, when you are fucking your kinky girlfriend, if you imagine being penetrated by her wearing a strap on dildo, I'm willing to bet you can make it happen and believe me, you would not be the only man who enjoys bending over!
However, it clearly won't happen if you are not able to talk about it. BDSM's most basic requirement, which I cannot emphasize enough, is that we commit to being honest and open with one another. Without trust and transparency, a good SM experience cannot get off the ground. Yet sharing our needs and desires can be challenging! Friends of mine were married for more than ten years before either of them admitted to the other they had kinky fantasies! And now, they are very active in our community, definitely making up for lost time! As a veteran player once said to me, "Communication is great, especially when it's working!" First, timing is everything. Don't expect positive responses when your partner is heading out the door to work. Ask for time to speak privately and consider what you are going to say. Be aware that results will differ depending on your approach. That very private and daring conversation might be better received at a candlelight dinner.
Be able to offer a picture of what your fantasy scene looks like. For instance, you might tell her that you fantasize about being dominated and that means you will obey her, but you also wish she would treat you like the secret slut you really are and give you a good spanking. You might mention how good she would look with something about 6 inches between her legs, peeking out from under her mini skirt and you know just where to get such a special toy online.Listen to your partner's response and agree on boundaries. If she's only willing to participate in part of your fantasy, say giving you that good spanking, well, that's a start! Does she say, "oooh, that could be fun but..."? Find out what the "but" means, because you don't want her to resent your play afterwards and shame you for it. Many a kinky man has been turned down by his partner because his fantasies were perceived as demands and difficult to realize. Competence in BDSM play takes skill...and practice. It takes two to tango.
Remember, there are not just Masters and servants, Mistresses and slaves, in the world of erotic power exchange. There are also captors and captives, owners and pets, teachers and students, Daddys and their girls, Queens and their subjects, Sadists and masochists, brats and their disciplinarians, do me Queens and Service Tops, and I am sure I'm forgetting more than a few roles players relish!
Chances are you are not sure what kinds of games you want to play. Start simple! As you continue your erotic explorations, you will discover that, regardless of how you play, you probably fit into one of the following five types of bottoms: fetishist, masochist, submissive, pet, and slave
- If you're a Fetishist, I suspect you were already aware of it when you joined Alt.com. You know you need a particular object, act or scenario used in a specific way to satisfy you. I recommend you look for a true and loyal service Top who can enjoy your very specific need or another Fetishist If corsets really turn you on, and being tied up is a must, make sure to communicate that clearly to a kinky partner.
- Masochists crave intense physical sensation and wish to be taken down to fly. I know a very strong Top who is a true masochist when it comes to cock and ball torments. He trained his submissive wife to whack his balls relentlessly until he orgasms with the very cane he uses on her! See? Just because you bottom doesn't mean you're submissive.
Some look for a chance to be naughty or challenged. You may have heard someone called a "SAM" and wondered what that meant. It stands for Smart-Ass Masochist and describes those who eroticize pain and provoke their Dominant to go for the kind of intensity s/he needs. I have been known to be a "bratty school girl" who likes to swear and step on her Daddy's boots until I get the spanking I want. - Submissives need to give up control and get great satisfaction from pleasing their Dominants. For me, this is a really intricate dance. D/s can be a lot of work for the Dominant. Submissives might not be getting some of their own needs met and that could lead to unspoken resentment and troubles ahead. Bottom line: we all have needs and wants. Needs are non-negotiable but wants are. It's a good thing to know the difference!
- Human pets like to be prized possessions, giving up control in exchange for the reassurance that they are cared for and loved. There is certainly wiggle room in the pet category, since pets don't always behave perfectly, now do they? Overly zealous human puppies need to be trained and require patient guidance.
- Perhaps like many inexperienced players, you fantasize about being an owned slave. The road to 24/7 consensual D/s or M/s is not for everyone, and certainly not to be entered into lightly or quickly. We all want to belong, but few are willing to devote their lives to the service of another. In fact, to be an owned slave means you have freely chosen to serve and need the containment your Dominant provides. If you have a partner who truly wants to be your "owner," please consider starting with a weekend contract and renegotiating regularly.
Once you know more about who you are and what you want, you are ready for the next step toward the realization of your fantasy. Of course a good level of trust between you is essential to get started. Be brave and certain that you are not the only one in the world with that desire, whatever that desire may be. Ask for what you want and know what you are willing to give!
You see, whether it is the bottom's fantasy or the Top's that enables the play, without mutual informed consent, there is no scene! Next month, how to mix the elements of BDSM into a dynamic scene!
In leather pride, with heart,
Cleo Dubois
[extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com' target='_blank' text='www.sm-arts.com']
When not writing for ALT and traveling the country doing demonstrations, Ms. Dubois enjoys mentoring couples in private, guided play at her SF Bay are dungeon. You'll find her special couples page at: [extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html' target='_blank' text='http://www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html']
Upcoming Events:
The next Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Women & Women Who Switch
May 5-6, 2007 at the SF Citadel
Meet & Greet Friday evening, May 4th
Gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar!
Hands-on training. Limited to 9!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois & Eve Minax with the assistance of Selina Raven
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-women.html
Erotic Dominance Intensive for Professional Dominas
August 17-19, 2007 in Chicago, Illinois
Acquire new skills! Refresh your style!
Gain deeper understanding of Fetish and Kinky Sexuality
Teachers: Cleo Dubois & Eve Minax
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/pros.html
http://sm-arts.com/intensives/form-pros.html
Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
October 6-7, 2007 at the SF Citadel
Meet & Greet Friday evening, October 4, 7pm
Dominate with competence, presence and passion!
Hands on training. Limited to 9!
Teachers: Cleo Dubois & Eve Minax with the assistance of Selina Raven
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-men.html
