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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > Gourmet Play
Gourmet Play   by Laura Antoniou

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Gourmet Play

When I was a kid, I used to like Yodels. Little cylinders of joy! I liked to break off some of the chocolate coating and eat it first, and savor the combination of spongy cake and the “cream” filling together. A cold milk was the natural accompaniment; chocolate milk (Nestlé’s Quick) if I was especially lucky.

About 5, 6 years ago, I bought a package of Yodels on a whim. They were smaller than I remembered, but then I am bigger than I was when I last enjoyed them, so I could hardly complain. Until I bit into one.

OMG. The vileness could not be described. Where was the chocolate flavor? The coating, so reminiscent of a fondant, was waxy in texture and vaguely gummy to chew. The filling? Not anywhere near the whipped-cream I remembered, instead a pasty, sickly sweet spread between tasteless brown cake which might have been waved in the direction of chocolate somewhere.

Well, what did I expect? In the years between second grade and that fatal bite into a Yodel (I tossed the rest away), I had known real chocolate, fabulous baked goods. After a box of Godiva, a Hershey’s bar is just never the same. Adult taste buds and adult hungers substitute for the easily gratified cravings of youth. That’s not to say all childhood eating pleasures go away; I am still embarrassingly fond of several foods loved by juvenile set. But when it comes to some foods, some tastes…I want more. I want the touch of an artisan; I want sophistication, complexity, deep satisfaction. In some things ‒ I am a gourmet.

So too go many other hungers in our lives. And in the scene, this is most visible in the partners who come to me worried that they are not playing “enough” ‒ that they are not “living the lifestyle” the right way. At a recent (and fabulous) event, Blackbeat, I was asked, “Is it possible to maintain a 24/7 DS lifestyle relationship with children under 16 in the house?” To which I can only answer, yes ‒ and it is also possible to win 8 gold medals in swimming at the Olympics. It’s possible, sure. But let’s remember that most people can’t manage 24/7 anything when children get involved. Children are annoying creatures; not only can they be inconvenient, but you are not allowed to bury them in the backyard.

But the question behind that one is a question which reflects in all sorts of relationships in our scene. It’s not whether living one way is possible ‒ it’s why you waste time wondering why you should live up to some standard of behavior or play which is outside of your relationship. Worry about whether we are real, true, 24/7, hard-core, total, or whatever the current byword is, takes up way too much of our time.

Instead, remember the Yodel. If you want to have something fast and easy, something with little value and little resonance in your life, you can buy Yodels at any deli or supermarket. They are cheap, anyone can have them, and they are pretty much what you would expect.

Or, you can spring for the imported Mexican chocolate with chili peppers in it. The hand-dipped plump apricots in 78% cocoa dark. You might not have these every day; but when you do, you will enjoy and remember them. And you will look forward to enjoying them again.

Make yourself into a gourmet of kink. If hooking up isn’t satisfying any more, no matter how popular you are or how many times you get hit up at parties, then cutting down on casual play will make you more aware of the pleasures in waiting, flirting, and in being with someone special.

If you find you don’t play as often as you used to ‒ and as a member of the Middle Aged Guard, I hear this a lot ‒ see what you can do to increase the quality, if not the quantity of play. Date night is not old hat for those who find the “same old, same old” to be more like a rut and less like proper rutting. Instead of reaching for the same toys/partner/vibrator, set aside a date to push the envelope. (Even if it’s just to do things you haven’t done in a while.) But also take the time you have to explore something new as often as it takes to keep things fresh and interesting.

One way to encourage gourmet thinking is to exchange fantasies. You can always do that in person, face to face, honestly and with an expectation of at least some support, rather than an automatic “you really like that?” But if that seems awkward or dull, then write notes to your lover(s) describing what you like/want/fear with amazing, toe-curling delight. Saying, for example, in negotiation, “I like to be flogged,” doesn’t hold a candle to “I used to fantasize I was being tortured by the Inquisition.” Ditto, “I like to be served” paints a picture of someone amazingly uncreative, whereas “In my house, slaves would wear jeweled loincloths to make their bodies available for my every sexual whim.”

And while you consider date nights and experimental play and fantasies and elaborate settings/toys/costumes, also remember the charm in brief encounters, stolen moments. If work and kids and hobbies and friends and committees and family take up huge amounts of time and energy for you ‒ as they do for me ‒ don’t forget to do the little things which remind you of how special your play or bond is with your partner(s). Whisper a pet name, title, or filthy, derogatory phrase into their ear while in a public place and feel the heat rise. Remind them that you look forward to your next erotic encounter, even if it’s just an excited, “I can’t wait to see you!” Develop a discerning eye for good times to practice that time honored tradition known as the quickie ‒ whether it’s a session of nipple torture just before you need to pick the child up from clarinet lessons or a fuck up against the front door before the dinner guests arrive. (Unless that’s part of the dinner entertainment, of course.) Too tired for a full scene/fuck? Try jerking off, either together or for the pleasure/entertainment/humiliation of the other.

Part of being a gourmet is knowing that small amounts can still be deeply satisfying - as long as they don’t leave you starving. A sliver of chicken breast and three peas on a plate drizzled with an aged balsamic reduction might be beautiful to look at and quite tasty, but you will be searching for Yodels later on if that’s all you’re getting. So while a quickie can take the edge off, and a gentle tease in the middle of the day or a busy week can make you feel wonderful and sexy, there needs to be payoff as well. Think of it as the nutritional value! Check in, with yourself and your partner(s) to make sure no one is feeling deprived of the tasty stuff that makes living all the more pleasurable. And above all, don’t think that because “everyone” eats Yodels, you have to, too.

Just don’t touch my Frosted Flakes.



Laura Antoniou is the author of the Marketplace series of erotic novels. A well known lecturer and presenter, she travels frequently to scold, cajole, amuse and outrage kinky people everywhere. Ask her questions; find her books, travel schedule and other interesting things at www.lantoniou.com