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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > What to do When the Sex Goes Away (III)
What to do When the Sex Goes Away (III)   by Maris Lemieux

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Extreme Frosts and How to Melt Them

Last week we talked about an action plan for a partner who wants a little more sex in the relationship. It was basically instructions on how to conduct a two-week tease. And if your relationship is solid, minus a bit of the sex you're craving, running the tease program should get you into the saddle. People who have used this approach report that their partners surprise them by initiating sex -- partners who have previously been stand-offish or even cold.

However, if you've got a relationship that's been freeze dried since the Ice Age, you're not likely to move into the sexual phase right away. Follow all the steps covered in the tease program of ACTION 2 (from "When the Love Goes Away (II)"; see archives). But don't set your final goal for sex. Set a more realistic goal.

Here are some realistic goals for ACTION 2:
establish trust
begin establishing connection

Set your ultimate goal in this phase for getting to the place where you and your partner can comfortably talk about sex. Then start talking. It is most likely that you'll have to get to sex by way of communication. It may seem less direct, but it is powerful. But if you've been on the receiving end of a real freeze out, then this longer path is worth the extra time and work. But it's not about a night of fun; it's about an entire revival in your sex life.

Here's why communication:
Some people (often, but not always, men) need sexual connection before they're feeling secure enough to offer affection or emotional support. Other people (more often women) need emotional support and affection before they feel secure enough to engage in sex. In a damaged sexual relationship, these two opposites have probably attracted. Murphy's Law. You can see the catch-22 built into such a love life. It's not hopeless. But you can probably also see that someone will have to make the first move or the impasse will last forever.

Making the first move means
a) coming out of the comfort zone
b) doing something you may not want to do.

In the case of a very long-term ice age, the thaw may take a good bit of time. This means continuing to do uncomfortable things over an extended period.
So there's a choice to be made: Is a thriving love life worth the effort? Yes or no. If the answer is yes, actions 3, 4, and 5 are for you.

ACTION 3
Think and act like your mate.
Remember Gary Chapman's love languages (from "When the Love Goes Away (I)"; see archives). Let's say your mate is someone who feels loved when you perform acts of service. So you want to try to be the same way. You perform acts of service, because you feel that's how to show love. AND when your partner performs a service for you, you'll recognize it as an act of love. Say your partner doesn't feel comfortable having sex unless they've received a lot of affection first. Then that's what you're going to be. This means that you won't want to have sex unless you and your partner share affectionate moments. This role reversal will help you immensely. Not only will your partner start falling madly in love with you (how can they not -- you think like they do), but you will start to understand that in your partner's own way, they are showing you love -- love the way they see it. This action requires commitment, a thorough job in the research part of this program (from "When the Love Goes Away (I); see archives), and a willingness to be vulnerable and take risks. But if you get it all together and it's working out, you're ready for Action 4.

ACTION 4
Take risks and allow yourself to be vulnerable. The barrier between two partners who love each other is mostly made of scar tissue, a toughness that grows over times when they are vulnerable and get hurt. Their protective strategy is to close down over that issue. It's no surprise that their partner closes down, too, also in self-defense. It's a vicious cycle. Pretty soon, they have layers and layers of scar tissue and no open spaces. Look at someone who has lost the sex from their relationship and you'll see someone running in a vicious emotional circle. You can step off this cycle by accepting vulnerability or being open. Try not to run for protective cover. Try not doing the comfortable thing. And if you can hear your partner as someone coming from their own place of vulnerability, rather than as someone coming at you, you may learn some interesting things about where the sex has been hiding.

A Word About Arguments
If you and your partner are not having the kind of sex you'd like and you find yourselves arguing a lot, or arguing viciously, be aware that the argument is part of a cycle. Once you step into the cycle, you can only dig yourself deeper behind a wall of ice.

Here are some ways to approach potential arguments so they don't become full-blown arguments.
1) Everyone knows when their discussions are going to slip into unproductive territory. You start digging up the past, and instead of "what can we do," it becomes "remember what you did." Or you'll hear some of the same, battle-worn issues coming up. Make a rule to yourself that when this starts to develop in your discussions, drop out, take a break, find a change of scenery with a promise to think about things and get back.
2) Don't talk in terms of what was done, but in terms of what you can do, together.
3) Active listening. This is a great technique used by arbiters and mediators. Each partner takes a turn making a point. You must listen WITHOUT INTERRUPTION until your partner is done. Then you try to repeat what your partner said. Explain your partner's point of view as you understood it. Ask them if they feel you understood them correctly, and if not, have them restate their point and go through the process again. Then your partner listens to you. If you deal with each point in your differences back and forth in this way, you will probably end up having a productive discussion, not an argument.
4) Try not to approve or disapprove of what your partner says about his or her feelings, just try to understand them. But since love is about actions not words, ultimately you don't have to understand why your partner needs what s/he needs to feel loved, you just have to get that it works for them. This puts you back to "action."
5) Do what it takes. Don't wait to trade compromises with your mate, don't make excuses about why you don't want to do things for your partner, just do them.

This action-oriented approach is the best way to get out of a blame game pattern that no one can win.

ACTION 5
Hopefully, after looking at each other's love styles, and hearing each other's needs, you and your partner can agree to work together. Always look for actions to take, not reasons to explain. Work as a team looking for solutions -- not as analysts looking for causes. Don't ask what either of you did wrong; ask what can you do right. Start small, have patience, and a little faith. Assume that your partner is not against you. If you've gotten this far, you've probably done several things that have thawed the relationship somewhat. From here, you and your mate can go back through the process together.