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I'm female, 30, too smart for my own good, and autistic. Among other things, that means I can't correctly perceive emotions in other people, which means I'm vulnerable to being lied to and manipulated, particularly at work. Work was nuclear engineering, computer language design, and IT management. Bad people blamed me for their own mistakes and I didn't even know it. At another place, I found out after it happened that the other girls told lies to get "the crazy computer chick" fired because they thought it was funny.
As far as I can tell, people hate me because I am cursed by God and doomed by man to understand everything and control nothing. In other words, I see things other people can't, because I have the genetic defect of being "Real Smart". And when they collect strawberries on the train tracks, I warn them that a train is coming but they can't see it, and get mad. When the train smashes unto their life, or work, or possessions, or they look like an idiot; they get even angrier, and blame me because I knew about it ahead of time.
Probably because I'm autistic, I'm almost certain that I'm neurologically unable to hate. Or feel jealousy or revenge or rage. You may think this is a blessing, but I'm pretty sure it's not. You see, I can't feel love either.
To me, love is sex. I really can't see how it can be anything else, and I figure everyone pretends "love" because their mommies told them sex was "bad". After only doing it once in high school and never in college, I discovered in 2001 that I love sexual torture (the hard stuff, the nonconsensual, tied to the furniture with no food for 3 days, whipped to unconsciousness stuff) and being gleefully gang- while I cry through my gag. It's stimulating and forces me to feel emotions. I love it so much that it got me committed to a mental hospital (which is where I found out I'm "a savant" and autistic).
But I can't love another person in a romantic way, and that has made some people very sad.
Why are people so evil when they could just as easily be good and if everybody was good everyone would be happier?
Well, besides the obvious game-theoretic answer, my best-guess analysis is: People hate me because of my childishness, naivete, trust or something--something precious and wonderful that grownups have crushed in themselves because it allowed them to survive being hurt and betrayed by people they loved and trusted. I call this "the death of love" (and by love, I mean "Christian" love--empathy. Compassion. Trust. Simple happiness. The know the way, and the grownups forgot.
When they see what they lost in people like me, it reminds them of what they were and how beautiful it was and how much the sadness hurt when they abandoned love. I remind them of the horror they both and accepted and created when they stopped being like me and became the horror instead. And since sadness and anger are really both the same emotion expressed differently, they get angry, and they want to kill love in other people. That's part of their sickness. If they don't, then they have to feel it themselves-- the horrible, horrible sadness of being forced to abandon the only thing that's really important: what they once felt but think that can never feel again.
Metaphorically speaking, that's how Satan infects people. A trusting person is horriblized by monsters they trusted. That makes them very, very sad, and one part of this is that they see no hope--"This is how the world is".
You can call this "growing up", but it's not, really. It's just Satan killing the joyous in you. Still, everyone calls it "growing up" and they say I've refused to do it.
Well, I HAVE refused to become cold and uncaring and vengeful and ego-insane, and hurtful and evil... or grownup. WHATEVER you call it. Names don't matter, not in anything, ever.
Anyway, then the second phase of the sickness sets in. To adapt to their environment, they become a monster themselves. They see that it gives them power in most situations and so it snowballs. It's a negative-feedback dynamic which the infected see as a positive-feedback one. That's the inversion of perception that the sickness makes you have. Evil becomes "good", and "good" becomes "being a target" or a patsy or a sucker.
I think this happens mostly in adolescents and mostly in males. But it can happen to anybody. It even happens in little , if they're hurt enough early. Then they become bullies at school, or turn into 13 year-old murderers in the nightmare of a ghetto.
When they deliberately make other people sad, that's how the infection is spread. When I call it "Satan", I picture a red monster with horns crushing the skulls of little with it's chicken-feet talons and using them as stepping stones to march through the centuries, leaving a wake of crushed skulls, horror, destruction, and grief
...and divorces and abused and burned-out cities and death.
And homeless people... like me.
Even though I seem to be immune to it because of the genetic defect that makes me autistic, the Sickness appears to be uncurable.
[if254 0]
My Ideal Person:
Someone who desires me so much that just the sight of my naked body turns him into an insane, angry who must attack me and consume me. I want him to take my sexuality from me and use it for his own selfish physical pleasure. I want a man that will kill other men if they try to steal me.
...But just who owns whom? Which one of us is enslaved?
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