Over the years, it's been at times fascinating to watch who comes through the virtual doors of Alt....to see what they're looking for, their kinks and fetishes, their ideas and ideals on the lifestyle. Some barge in, some sneak, some just mosey on in and take a look around and decide if this is right for them or not.
I was a mosey-er. Wandered in one day, listened and watched, and found i was more and more drawn to this alternative way of approaching relationships and sex. And eventually realized exactly how much i fit, or maybe it's that it fit me. Regardless, i've found much enjoyment, met some very interesting people, and for the most part, thoroughly enjoyed my time here, albeit the downside, the constant drama and backstabbing and false portrayals of oneself.
I've had a few relationships go badly. And they've hurt immensely, nearly broken me in half with the pain of losing what i thought was "it"....that once-in-a-lifetime love, that fulfillment of need and want and desire to serve, etc. Thought of myself as "damaged goods", since it never seemed to work out, and i was always the one left behind.
But i've come to really dislike that term, "damaged goods". To me, that implies something broken, something overlooked because it's not worth the effort to take and make better, or stronger, or just more. And that's not me, because as long as i draw breath, i'll always have the capability and the need to grow stronger, and better, and make more of myself. So...i much prefer the term "emotionally unfulfilled", which i think describes a hell of a lot of people on here. If a relationship doesn't work, it doesn't mean that one or the other person is bad, or *insert negative description here*.....i've learned that there's nothing wrong with me that can't ultimately be changed....i simply might not be the right person for that One, and need to accept that and move on, as very hard as that might be. I've learned that i can give my whole heart and soul, and if the person i'm giving it to isn't feeling that same level of devotion, of love, of "oneness"....that's not a reflection of something wrong with me, it simply IS. I can't change it, i can't force it to work. And we A/all hate letting go of someone we love that much, and it's so damned hard to accept that they don't love us in the same way, but there it is. That doesn't make me damaged goods, it simply makes me a woman who has had the opportunity to know, for a brief time, what that consuming, absolutely uplifting love can feel like, and all the added benefits of it in regards to the kink, and being able to fulfill my desire to serve, and to please, and to give. And when it ends, yes, it's devastating, but it also teaches me that i CAN overcome that hurt, and that i am strong, and i can take just about anything life tosses at me and still end the day with a smile on my face. Might take time, but every day gets better, and that's what's so very hard for some to understand.
So...no, i'm not looking. While i can overcome that hurt, it doesn't mean i'm quite ready to set myself up for potentially more hurt....simply enjoying friends is fine for now, and watching, and learning about myself, and from others, and working on the things in my life that need my attention r/t, prioritizing. Enjoy the lessons learned, watch and listen, and make sure your heart truly is in the right place when you see someone you think might be "it", okay? *smiles*
[if255 1]
My Ideal Person:
I don't have the first clue what my ideal person would be. i had it...and then it was gone. So right now, i'm simply enjoying friends, and that's enough for me. Have a good one, and best of luck in your search.
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