[U][B]QUICK NOTE: I've been gone since October. Only getting back here so if you've been here and I didn't reply, now you know why... Check last blog entry for any more info. Otherwise... here is what I wrote back then and it still applies. Except that I've got a book coming out soon.;) .[/U]...[/B]
I may be new to the lifestyle but have thought about this for years. Now I want to do more than think.
I've been told that I'm a natural submissive as I have always tried to please others, in as well as out of the bedroom. Unfortunately none of my partners were dominate in any way and soon sex wasn't just vanilla, it was TERRIBLE. It has caused me to wonder why with everything I tried or did, my sex life was only getting more boring and worse each time. Back then I'd heard about the lifestyle but I wasn’t sure what to do or where to go or how to find out more about it. Was it for me? Or was I to really live a life of boring vanilla sex, if I had any sex at all?
Then the sex not only slipped into the rare occasion but it seemed to switch places with verbal abuse from my partner. The verbal became worse and worse and then the physical started. I knew that what he did was not dominance; it was abuse, plain and simple. So I got out. But it did make it hard to get into another relationship and after a couple total failures, I gave up completely and basically avoided men and anything to do with sex for 14 years.
However, recently the need has grown too strong to ignore any longer. You know the need I’m talking about. The need not only for a physical connection with someone else, but for that feeling that happens when you can give yourself freely to another and let them take control, as either a Dom or a Sub. I may not have practiced the lifestyle, I may have only dreamed of it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I know what it feels like to want that; to need that. It is why I know that I am not really a Dom, but a Sub. I need to find a Dom that I can trust, that I can give myself completely to with the knowledge that they have only my best interests at heart when they take all I give them freely. To be able to trust someone like that again, to even think about it, has been a long road. But one worth the wait I am sure.
Other than that, what am I like? Who am I? … I am a survivor first and foremost. However I won’t allow what happened in my past to taint my future or my present a moment longer. Granted I know that it hasn’t helped as the body issues I have come directly from those years back then. But recently I realized that I could wait forever to be completely happy with myself or I could embrace who I am and allow myself to share that with others. To give myself up to the thing I’ve craved for so long… a devoted Dom who knew who to accept my trust and not abuse it.
I am a creative, artistic, caring, tender, intelligent, and I can be very shy. When I am in a situation where I don’t really know anyone, I do one of two things. I either stay to the side, watching quietly all that is going on around me. Or I smile and talk to anyone willing to smile and talk to me. It really all depends on the situation. I have been known to make fast friends when in a situation such as the latter. While sometimes I seem to disappear into the woodwork when things really freak me out. If I am with a friend who is also shy, then I tend to take over and try to ease them though the situation, helping them feel more comfortable by doing most the talking myself with others around us. Example… I was at a sci-fi convention a few years back with a friend. It was the first time she’d been to anything like that and she wasn’t sure what to do or where to go. So I took charge and took her around and made sure she got to know people and made sure that she had a good time and made friends. Though I’d made several friends the year before when I was on my own, by the time that convention was over most the staff as well as a lot of the attendees knew not only me, but her, simply because I wanted to make sure she had a good time. I knew if it was left up to her, she’d hardly have met anyone or done anything. And in making her happy, I was happy.
Want to know more? Well I am a BBW. I have been all my life though I am constantly trying to get it back down to where it was before I moved here and got put on some medication that made me gain 60 pounds in a year. Also, I did a few of the questionnaires earlier about toys and what I like to do during sex and to be honest it wasn’t that easy to do. Not because I’m too shy to say things here, but because I haven’t tried a lot. I’ve owned one dildo in my life and damn if I have no clue where it is. I think I lost it during my last move. I may be shy and unsure of things when it comes to sex, but I also am willing to try most things at least once. I say most since there are a few things I won’t do. Ever. But there are a lot that I never even thought about doing but might be willing to try with the right Dom. I’ve always thought it was be exciting to be tied up and blindfolded. However, like I said before, my past sex partners would NEVER have tried that. Not in a good way anyway. I think handcuffs are sexy but any kind of gag is not. I have a huge fear of not being able to breath. But blinded and/or handcuffed/tied up I don’t have an issue with. Anal sex? Honestly I don’t know. The two times that it was tried on me it was… frankly, it was done wrong and very very painful. So not sure about that. But done properly… we can talk about it. ;)
I think that about covers most of it. But of course feel free to ask me anything you want. The one place I am not shy is in emails and the sort. In person, that’s another subject all together. I tend to blush at certain things and I’m told that my whole face can get red if the right thing is said. :)
[if254 1]
My Ideal Person:
I am looking for a Dom who can teach me to be the perfect Sub. Who is patient with me when I make mistakes, at least in the beginning, but who also understands that if I am not getting it for some reason, maybe a little punishment would be in order to help me remember. About 9 years ago I had a spinal fusion of my L5 and L6 vertebrae. The surgeon who did it… well I will put this nicely… he messed it up. Due to that I have nerve damage that goes down my left outer thigh that can be painful if it is hit the wrong way. I can do a lot of things, but some things that I can do, I can not do for long periods of time or the base of my spine will feel like it is on fire. So I need a Dom willing to understand my limitations, yet also willing to push me as close to if not slightly over those limitations. I am not a masochist, I hate pain in fact, but I know that there are all kinds of levels of pain and all kinds of pain. He doesn’t have to be older than me, I’m willing to learn from someone a little younger as long as he knows what he is doing and ultimately he is someone I can trust. I also like men who are strong and who radiate ‘alpha male’/Dom. I also hope there is a mutual attraction. Though later I hope to find a Dom for life, I do not expect that at first. At first I hope to find a Dom willing to teach and guide me in the right direction. Of course I realize that there may be a Dom or two out there not willing to teach without a much longer commitment, someone who puts that much work into something may not be willing to unless they are able to reap the long term rewards as well. However I am also realistic in that most will be looking for something short term and some may just like to teach before going on to the next new Sub. So which ever, I am willing to listen and discuss it. I just know that the first Dom I need will need to be willing to teach since there is so much that can’t be taught by books alone or watching other Dom/Sub interactions. I would hope that he is firm, yet not brutal. I don’t need a sadist, been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it. It’s not something I care to repeat. Also that he is understanding that some of this may be scary for me at first, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. That I don’t need it. Oh and one other things… someone taller than me. There is something about looking up at a man, even when I’m not on my knees, that really turns me on.
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