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In which one lays a ghost with a spanking One of the cottages in the village had been the setting for some paranormal activity and had stood vacant for some time as a result. When I heard that Canon Oaley was going to perform an exorcism, I naturally assumed that he would be entirely successful. Imagine my surprise, therefore, when his assistant, a Miss Mountshaft, sent me a telegram requesting my assistance. I made my way to the cottage immediately. “Sir Cuthbert!” declared Miss Mountshaft, as I entered, “I did not expect you from the rear!” “It’s much quicker this way,” I told her. “From your note I could tell that you wanted me to come as soon as I could.” “Indeed, I did.” She smoothed down her skirt. “Thank you for obliging me.” “My pleasure. Now then. How may I be of further assistance to you?” “It’s Canon Oaley. He’s tried everything he knows to exorcise this spirit but it’s simply not working and he’s wearing himself out. My assessment suggests an entirely different course of action but he won’t even countenance it.” “It’s far too dangerous, Upstanding!” declared Canon Oaley, as he entered the kitchen. “This goes far beyond anything else in my considerable experience. I suppose Miss Mountshaft here has made her proposal to you?” “She said you needed some respite,” I told him, adroitly avoiding the issue of what Miss Mountshaft had in her mind. He looked at me for some time before replying, “Yes. Well. I will admit to feeling quite worn out. Some sort of respite might be in order.” Behind him, I could see Miss Mountshaft rolling her eyes in exasperation. “A rest. Yes. That’s what I need.” “Now look here, Canon. Why don’t you go up to the big house and ask Mrs Wellbeloved for some tiffin. She will, I am sure, happily cater for all your needs.” “Mrs Wellbeloved! Tiffin? Do you really mean tha,t my boy?” “Absoultely! Tell her I sent you and that you are to take full advantage of her and her facilities.” “Thank you, my boy. Thank you so much!” he went to go but paused. “I trust you two willnot get up to anything in absence?” “Oh absolutely!” I assured him. “Very well! Thank you again, my boy!” and he eagerly left us. “Extraordinary!” muttered Miss Mountshaft. “All it took was an offer of tea and cakes with your housekeeper.” “Ye-es,” I said. “It will be quite an experience for the old fellow.” “How so?” “Well, erm, Mrs Wellbeloved is able to cater for all manner of appetites and tastes and her buns are still considered to be the finest in the county.” “Anyway, well done, sir!” cried Miss Mountshaft and she clapped her hands with delight. “I tried everything to get him to stop and listen to reason for he was just making matters worse.” “Worse?” “He was antagonising the spirit! She was trying to communicate with us but he just ignored her! He tried to get rid of her but that just made her more determined.” “So, it’s a female ghost we are trying lay, is it?” “I am convinced of it. What do you make of this?” She handed me a small piece of paper that had been rolled up into a ball. I unrolled it and read out the letters contained inside. “’Em knaps.’ What curiously formed letters! Is it some sort of code?” “No, no, try it like this.” She turned the paper round in my hands. “Spank me!” “I beg your pardon, Miss Mountshaft?” She flushed slightly. “’Spank me!’ Don’t you see? This note says, ‘Spank me.’” “So, it does.” “This manifestation began with these tightly screwed up bits of paper being thrown at the man of the house. When he did not react, not fully understanding the import of these messages, the spirit grew restless and more vexatious. To cut a long story short, she made life untenable for the occupants and they had to leave.” “So, all this unpleasantness could have been avoided simply with a spanking.” “Quite.” “But how does one go about spanking a ghost?” To be continued.. |
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2/21/2018 11:24 am |
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chuckling....
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I was think of Sir Henry right from the outset! Couldn't believe someone had pipped me to the comment! You are clearly a woman of culture and taste! (Albeit one with a tendency to trip off on stream-of-consciousness raves about sheep exorcisms!) Gent; heed this woman's words. Sir Henry is a masterpiece. You will love it! And a great fun piece of writing. I look forward to more from The Cad 
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2/22/2018 10:51 am |
Thank you for referring me to Sir Henry. I am frankly amazed that I haven't heard of him before and the short version prompts me to view the full film in due course. I think it will be worth watching more than once for the richness of the dialogue. As to the efficacy of the exorcism, the spirit is subsequently named but I shall review the rest of the story forthwith to ensure it stands scrutiny.
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2/22/2018 3:05 pm |
I doff my hat at you Heidi-Lou. Thank you again. I have the rest of this short story in draft but want to have another read before posting. I always thought I was more from the Carry On school of literature with a heavy dose of Round The Horne. I hope you already know of Round The Horne. If not - I envy you discovering it for the first time!
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2/23/2018 3:59 pm |
I have no filters on my photos as far as I know and am actively encourage Welsh people to talk to me. I find they are almost singing even when merely talking. Anyway, thank you for your kind thoughts. i will now find you a link to Round The Horne
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2/23/2018 4:19 pm |
Well some of you may be wondering.... Try searching for Bona Books Julian and Sandy. Rambling Sid Rumpole is another "splod wurdling" favourute Or anything called The Clissold Saga.... They were all radio shows but there are films of the West End show, a tribute entitled Round The Horne Revisited
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2/24/2018 4:49 am |
Will you stop singing/talking so a chap can get a word in! Thank you. So the link didn't work but if you search for Bona Books on Youtube you should find Julian and Sandy from Round The Horne. Bear in mind this was produced in 1965 and is incredibly close to the knuckle even today. One of our college lecturers assured us Rambling Sid Rumpole was investigated for subversive messages by MI5. I bet they enjoyed that
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