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At each Intensive workshop I conduct, we talk about the fine art of negotiation as it relates to ethical erotic dominance. Graham, a participant at last month's Men's Weekend, shared what appears to be a very simple key to success: "find out what your partner wants and give it to them." As simple as it sounds, what if what s/he wants is not something you can give? Maybe it is not part of who you are. And what about what you want? Is that something s/he can give you?
If you have followed my column, you know that Sylvie is a full power bottom. As part of the training she came to me for, I had her write a scene report each time we played, many of which I have shared with you. Despite her descriptive accounts and the heat we generated in play, and the solid negotiations we went through each time, the relationship between us recently hit a wall. Sharing with you might help us heal:
Some of Sylvie's kinks make me hot -- she loves to be slapped, have her hair pulled, and worship my boots. She is remarkable with intense whippings and clothespin zippers. I thought I read her well until that one public scene at Thunder in the Mountains this summer. My intent was to take Sylvie down to a place of submission. Somewhere past where intense sensations take her, somewhere where she surrenders to me.
When we first met she told me that her husband thought she was not a good submissive. I dismissed her comment at the time. So here we are in the conference room of the Hyatt in Denver and she cannot really center. It's her first national Leather Conference and she knows powerful D/s folks are watching us. I want her to concentrate on a familiar task she enjoys and focus on me. I give her a simple order, "Sylvie, remove my high heels and put my patent leather boots on my feet."
In all her excitement, embarrassment gets in the way and she grabs my ankle very disrespectfully. I know she can do much better than that. I take her hand and make her stop, calmly trying to control her and bring her attention onto me. But that day she is like a wild horse, nervous and jittery. I want our short scene to be real and powerful and I want her submission. I cannot get us there without getting her to focus on me.
My background is in improvisational theatre and for this Radical Touch class, I like to give my audience a choice of focus, so my assistant, Sam, is overseeing a mummification scene going on at the same time in another part of the room. Its hot serenity makes a good visual contrast to my scene with Sylvie. I look deeply into her eyes and whisper that there is a beautiful hard cock sticking out of a black spandex bag, and that she is not to look over there. Period. She does not want to obey me! She gives me such dirty looks I feel like really slapping her.
I never slap someone in anger. Instead, I am firm with her and have her put her forehead on the floor and stay there. I make her do it. She obeys but does not truly surrender. Indeed in that moment I feel her resentment. We are having a power struggle in a public space and it is NOT a turn on!
A genuine trained submissive recently wrote me that even if he doesn't like the physical or verbal stimuli at first, he finds that, "if I can let go of my resistance, I can generally go as far as a Top wants to send me and I find magic in that surrender because it is hot for my Top." It occurs to me that Sylvie may not be in that place in her submission.
BDSM is about power exchange, not power over or power struggle, unless of course we are playing consensual resistance games. It is not just about finding out what your partner wants and giving it to him or her, like Graham suggested. It is also using what you know your partner likes and dislikes to get what you want. It is receiving the gift that connects you in that incredibly beautiful dance of swirling and sizzling energy.
When scenes do not work and we are unable to address it in aftercare, the resentment that can build up is like a white elephant in the living room, so large it fills the space between you. These invisible beasts get in the way of real communication. In committed couple relationships many settle for comfort at the price of sacrificing the magic. The way out of what premier SM writer Patrick Califia calls "Leather Bed Death" is to have the courage to name the white elephants of unspoken resentments, and clear the air. Then comes the rekindling of desire, revisiting fantasies or exploring new ones.
For me it became essential to expand my boundaries and embrace my life partner's gender play explorations. Since the more masculine male archetypes- as in Leathermen -resonate with me, it was not on my play list to encourage his inner female personae to develop out of his lifelong cross dressing desires. Denying him eventually became our own white elephant. A kink aware therapist helped us out of the denial/resentment loop that was spoiling our intimacy. No, we are not a perfect match erotically but that is not going to keep us from being life partners and sharing deep love for each other and have fun while doing it.
As for Sylvie, I will always value her gifts of trust and hot masochism. We recently named our white elephant and got it out of in the open. We agreed to meet again before the end of the year and redefine what each of us wants out of our kinky friendship. I accept that the warrior in her did not have submission to give the Dominant sadist in me, and that is okay.
If you are wondering what I am talking about, wild horses, warriors, slaves and captives, follow me next month on the road where Masters, Queens, do me queens, daddies' girls, caring sadists, smart ass masochists and pets of all genders find their way to the playroom
What makes us the kinky explorers we are fascinates me. More on why it is so vital to find healthy, hot expressions for our erotic passions… next time!
In Leather Pride with heart,
Cleo
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This month, Ms. Dubois holds a hands-on workshop with Chicago's own Mistress Eve Minax at the The Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco: "A Weekend for Dominant Women and Women Who Switch" (November 11-13). And she's already looking forward to a Men's Intensive in February 2006.
