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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > Tristan Taormino: So You Want To Have A Threesome
Tristan Taormino: So You Want To Have A Threesome   by Tristan Taormino

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You can visit Tristan at her official website,

Tristan Taormino is the author of several sensationally sexy and informative books including Down and Dirty Sex Secrets, Pucker Up: A Hands-on Guide to Ecstatic Sex, and The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. News flash: Tristan Taormino's House of Ass, will be out this month (just in time to stuff some stocking). According to Tristan's spokesperson, "It was a really fun shoot, great cast, and we were really happy with the final product!" From college campuses to sex toy boutiques (not to mention The Howard Stern Show) Tristan tours the country touting the wonders of anal sex and the overall goodness of sex in all its frisky forms. Based on questions that have come up across the country, Tristan Taormino has created an advice column just for us. You can only find it here -- so check back monthly to find out what's new and wild in Tristan's world.


A couple in their twenties recently told me that they want to have their first threesome, and they asked my advice. They’re both gorgeous, open-minded, and fun; they are also super horndogs, so I could see how their hunger could be satisfied (at least temporarily) by a little threeway action. Plus, they are big dirty talkers, so I knew that the experience would be fodder for lots of naughty things whispered to one another while they fucked afterwards. More than ever, I think people are interested in opening their relationships, and it’s a topic that frequently comes up in emails and letters I receive. Here are a few of my thoughts on the subject.

Before you make any plans, each partner needs to be one hundred percent sure about it. People should never feel pressured to bring another person into their sex life. A guy once approached me at an event and told me that he and his girlfriend really wanted to play with me. He seemed nice enough, and I’d already eyed the hot redhead he was with. But when she came over to join the conversation, I could tell she wasn’t into it. You shouldn’t do it to please your partner or because you think it will fix a problem. It’s a very big step, one that should be made thoughtfully and carefully. Communication is crucial to all aspects of relationships, including sexuality. Talking about the threesome well in advance is really important. As you talk with your partner about your fantasies, fears, desires, and needs, be honest. This is not the time to hold something back because it will come back to bite you in the butt! (And not in a sexy, heat-of-the-moment way!) A friend of mine, Jules, couldn’t bear to tell her partner Craig that sex with another friend–with whom they’d had good times in the past–just didn’t feel right to her anymore. The tension was apparent from the get-go, and Craig was totally confused about what was up. When Jules confessed later, Craig wished she had told him.

Perhaps an acquaintance has flirted with one or both of you and indicated that she’s interested in playing with you. Maybe you met someone at a party you were both attracted to. Deciding who to play with is half the fun, but it’s also a time to think with your brain, not just your libido. I am a fan of pretty strict boundaries, so I say no to next-door neighbors, co-workers, relatives, or close friends. I know some people disagree, and I know some have had healthy sexcapades with people in their inner circle. My friend Lola routinely fucks her boyfriend’s friend, and all of them seem to work it out. But if you choose someone close to you, the potential for drama is higher. Be sure that the person you are considering is sane, stable, and safe. Trust your instincts on this one: if you think the person may cause trouble, be a gossip, or interfere with your relationship, take a pass.

One of the positive things about being part of a community like swingers or leatherfolk is that you can get to know a group of people who already have an alternative sex life. If you approach someone at a swingers event, even if that person turns you down, chances are he or she won’t be shocked or horrified like a stranger at a bar might be, for example.

As you negotiate, think about what your ideal ground rules are. Coming up with a set of limits is crucial to making the experience fun and as stress-free as possible. Are there any sex acts that are off limits? Perhaps you want to do everything but have intercourse. Maybe you don’t want her to suck your hubby’s dick. Or you want to reserve your filthy dirty talk for just the two of you. Is it okay for two to play while one watches or should all three of you be constantly engaged with one another? What are the safer sex rules: condoms, gloves, oral barriers, no exchange of bodily fluids at all? Is this a one-time deal or is it possible it could happen again? Be very clear about what you want: could this turn into an ongoing relationship or is that out of the question?

Speaking of relationships, will yours be purely sexual or can there be an emotional component? This is some of the trickiest territory to get into, but you’ve got to go there so you’re on the same page. Some people are adamant that a threesome is simply an occasional treat, whereas others are open to a three-way becoming a triad relationship. For instance, my friends Sean and Sarah only hook up with others when they are out of town, and they have a strict rule that each encounter will be one time only. If you don’t know which you want, then say that -- just don’t avoid the subject or assume that you and your partner feel the same way if you’ve never actually talked about it. What about disclosure? Can you tell close friends or do you want to be ultra-discreet? The rules do not have to be rational (“Don’t pull her hair! You can only pull my hair!”), they just need to be spoken–and respected. I once met a woman who let her partner fuck whoever she wanted, as long as that person didn’t look anything like her.

Once you have decided on the rules, follow them. That sounds like common sense, but the truth is that people often trip up in this arena. Laying out the rules and abiding by them will go a long way toward each of you trusting the other person. Trust is critical in this situation, since people’s insecurities, jealousy, and anxiety can be right on the surface. If both partners feel that their wishes and boundaries were respected in their last adventure, it’s much more likely they’ll do it again.

Then there are logistical matters. Where will it happen? If you have children at home, for example, you may want to get a hotel room. Will this be an hour-long romp or an entire afternoon? Will it include a sleepover or is that too intimate? Working this stuff out in advance will save you the awkward embarrassment of trying to do it on the spot, right in front of your sexy guest. It will also help everyone by giving them clear expectations.

Once things are in full swing, make sure to check in with your partner, even if it's only a subtle look that asks, “Is this still okay?” Don’t be afraid to speak up if things are going in a direction you’re not comfortable with or if you just want to communicate that you are having a great time.

With all that said, of course, you can’t plan for everything. I once arranged a surprise for my girlfriend: a woman she knew would be waiting for her at our place, then I would arrive later, “catch” them, and join in. When she got home, it was awkward, and she didn’t feel comfortable fooling around without me there. So, they played video games for an hour until I got there! She told me later that she would rather I had been there and that she had watched for a little while before getting in on the action. During your threesome, you discover in the heat of the moment that something you may have thought would be fine is not. Be flexible and prepared to deal with whatever comes up.

Finally, after your threesome ends and the glow fades, be sure to have a debriefing session with your partner about the experience. What did you like the most? What did you like the least? What surprised you? What, if anything, would you do differently next time? How do you feel about the overall experience? Remember that this can be very emotionally-charged, and issues may come up afterwards. In a threesome I had, it was clear to me that the third was really into my girlfriend, but not me (even though she flirted with both of us equally). It made me feel like crap, and I wished I wasn’t even there. People may feel jealous, vulnerable, or unsure. Validate these feelings and talk them through with one another; try to resolve any issues that arise. Remind one another that you are committed to each other. Now go have fun!

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