It feels to me media messages bombard us with how to take and maintain control of ourselves, our emotions, our behaviors, even our future. By the same token, society rules when we must yield and surrender without regard to our agreement or consent. Often we have no choice. However, as BDSM explorers we have options. We can either hold or surrender control in the consensual sex games we play.
We can act like a petulant teenager who needs a spanking and rebel under the firm hand of our stern “Daddy” until we have had enough. Then we can gleefully submit. We can let ourselves surrender as tight ropes bite into our flesh and our inhibitions loosen. We can lose ourselves in true worship of our beloved Dominant. We can also get out of our heads when we embrace the blows of a flogger in hands we trust.
Oh the joys of letting go! For me they go hand in hand with the pleasures of taking control. As much as I treasure my “bottom” side, I cherish my “Top” persona. I love to be the Boss, the Mistress, the Queen, the Disciplinarian, and really have it my way. In fact few of us truly occupy only one place on the BDSM continuum. Versatility has much to offer, if we dare. Erotic games of control and surrender are likely to take us hot places not acceptable outside the bedroom, or dungeon and reveal hidden aspects of our personalities.
 |
| Tj "flying" |
Everyone witnessing our hot scene at the Citadel falls in lust with her.
We humans are complex beings and our libido expresses itself in many ways. Masochistic full power bottom is not Tj’s only persona. Later that evening, she reappears in the dungeon as a leather-clad cop. Hair tucked under the uniform cap, night stick hanging menacingly on her belt, she harasses this young man who she caught looking for trouble in the dark alley of their mutual fantasy.
Now she looks and feels masculine, forcing him to his knees as she unzips her fly to reveal a big black silicone dick. She shoves it in the pretty boy’s open mouth as he struggles to take it all the way. He is almost gagging as she fucks his face with obvious excitement. He loses himself in his desire to please her. I feel the energy shift in the room as those who lusted after her as a femme bottom began squirming in her presence as a macho officer.
Her transformation is more than a matter of changing costumes, although the right attire certainly does help! It’s what is harbored within that is revealed as we explore our sexual realities. It’s not about only dressing the part; it’s about who emerges when you embrace the role you choose to play. Look into the mirror of your fantasies and see your many reflections. They may hold the key to healing old wounds and surprise you with a deeply intimate connection.
That happened to me at last October’s Intensive.
Maggie was my partner for an exercise focusing on energy exchange. For a change, I sat with the bottoms. Tops were instructed to take their partners to the edge of their surrender by slowly pinching their nipples harder and harder, eyes locked on each other. Maggie caressed my big breasts so gently, her pure blue eyes so attentive, I really started to relax under her confident touch. To my surprise, she did not build the sensation; there was no pain, just sweetness from her fingers’ tips to my nipples. Her face was so close, our lips almost touched. Suddenly tears filled my eyes from the conscious intensity of her soft touch. She got me, not with S/M, but with her sweet and gentle control as I felt myself descend into what we call “subspace”. How complex and wonderful we are if we just let ourselves be.
While the revelations transformations bring into the light can inspire us, playing with these archetypal energies has its dangers too! Know who is in control and who is on the path to surrender before you start the scene, because what you get, once you set it in motion, is often more than you expect. In Howard Scott Warshaw’s fine docu-film, “Vice and Consent,” Janet tells of a public scene in which she played a juvenile delinquent in a negotiated “prom date” with a long time female partner. She was appalled by who she became as a knife wielding bad boy and could not believe the nasty sexist dirty words that came out of her own mouth. By the end of the scene, she was the one needing serious aftercare from her blissful “date.” Like her, you may not always like, or approve of, the person who emerges from your, or your partner’s, explorations. But unless you venture on the road of sexual roleplaying, how will you ever know the delights that await you and your lovers?
One of my older male submissives, Charlie didn’t think he had a feminine side at all. His big turn on was bondage and I knew that he was a little nervous when he consented to let me dress him up. He giggled and blushed when I had him point his toes and slide the nylon stockings to his thighs. To my amusement he got quite frustrated over his clumsiness with the garter belt. He grumbled, “how did women ever deal with these things?”
I encouraged him calmly, “take your time and remember to smile.” It was during his third try at stepping seductively into the lingerie that he got it! The look of embarrassment in his eyes turned sexy and sweet as he let himself feel feminine. By the end of the scene, he was batting his eyelashes and swaying his hips back and forth. I asked him how he felt. He answered, “Slutty, Madame and I love it!”
That was a year ago. In last week’s email, Charlie writes, “one of the things I love about cross-dressing is that it gives me a chance to spend time on myself I wouldn't ordinarily. I just went to Victoria’s Secret and bought a silky red bustier and panties I could barely wait to get home to try on. I hope that you will like me in it when I see you again.”
Discover who’s in your mirror. Play hot, play safe.
In leather pride, with heart,
Cleo
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When not writing for ALT and traveling the country doing demonstrations, Ms. Dubois enjoys coaching couples in private, guided play at her SF Bay area dungeon. You’ll find her special couples page at [extern url='http://www.sm-arts.com/couples.htm' target='_blank' text='www.sm-arts.com/couples'].
Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts Fall Workshops:
Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
November 18-19, 2006 at San Francisco's Citadel is full!
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Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts 2007 Spring Workshops:
Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend for Dominant Women & Women Who Switch
February 24-25 at San Francisco's Citadel
Meet & Greet and start of course, Friday, February 23
Hands-on Training! Class limited to 8
Gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar!
http://www.sm-arts.com/players-course.htm
http://www.sm-arts.com/players-application.htm
Erotic Dominance Intensive Weekend for Dominant Men & Men Who Switch
March 31-April 1 at San Francisco's Citadel
Meet & Greet and start of course, Friday, March 30
Hands on Training! Class limited to 8
Dominate with competence, presence and passion.
http://www.sm-arts.com/mens-intensive.htm
http://www.sm-arts.com/mens-application.htm
