Imagine the following scenarios:
* A devoted partner learns all they can about the joys of oral sex and lavishes their knowledge upon the genitalia of their delighted significant other.
* A grimy, sweaty bootblack with fingernails edged in wax and dye, completes the final step in creating a mirror-like finish on a pair of parade boots that belong to someone else.
* A precisely dressed and carefully coiffed chef of indeterminate gender and sincere adoration prepares and delivers an exquisite dinner to an intimate gathering of epicures.
* A bespectacled desk jockey tweaks the JAVA scripting on a web page to deliver the exact shade of magenta as indicated in the instructions, complete with starburst effects when registered users visit the page for the first time each day.
If you think one of these things is not like the others, you might have the wrong idea about the concept of service! For most people who have only the slightest interest or experience in the world of sadomasochism, dominance and submission and other fantastic and kinky ways to connect, the word “service” will conjure up one of the first three scenarios. After all, SM is about sex, and sex is about what increases the potential for orgasm, and it’s a very rare person indeed who gets hard and/or wet at the thought of web page programming. (Although, if you do, I suggest you spread the word. Eager tops are waiting to hear from you!)
But like so much of what we do, service doesn’t begin and end between our legs; it resides where the rest of our drives, fetishes and desires hang out - between the ears. And just as one person’s French Maid fantasy is another person’s French Maid nightmare, what “serving” means is highly individualistic! One size fits all doesn’t even work for muumuus; it won’t work here.
So what is service in an SM context? It is a useful action taken by one person ‒ the bottom, or “servant” at the direction and for the benefit of another ‒ the top. (When I use the words top and bottom, I also include the many variations we use and have argued about in the scene for well...long before I showed up. For bottom, also read slave, submissive, boy, girl, maid, puppy, Dalmatian, etc. For top, also read dominant, mistress, master, daddy, mommy, princess, goddess, lord, grand poobah, Cruella, etc.)
A useful action is something that can be quantified when it is done. From fetching morning coffee to sucking off all the members of the band, from cataloging the comic books to planning a trip to the temples of Kyoto, service is useful when what is done means the top didn’t have to do it themselves. And while this may paint a picture of tops as lazy SOBs ‒ and many of them are ‒ in reality, a top must also direct service ‒ they should order it done, they should monitor the success or failure of the attempt and reward or punish as necessary. Without the firm guidance and attention of the top, a bottom offering and performing service will eventually get pissed off because instead of feeling useful, they will feel used. And not in that excellent sexy way of sucking off all the members of the band. (If that is your kink.)
And finally, the top should actually benefit from the service performed, if not directly, then indirectly. Bring me a cup of coffee and you have my gratitude. Bring my friends coffee and I will feel proud that I was part of providing such a welcome gift for my friends by having and guiding such a brilliant and sensitive servant.
It seems easy to envision and easy to do, and yet so many people get these things dreadfully wrong. Part of it is th e fault of pornographers. (Like me, for example.) The reason why people will not see the web programmer as performing service is because the literature of our people is primarily aimed at making wet spots on the bed. Tops will often say to me, “I have a bottom; sex and play with them is awesome, mind-blowing, we have a great time and now they say they want to serve me. But I am not into...” ‒ and then they list the stereotypical images listed above, or some other idea they got from Shaving Private Ryan because they never imagined what a useful person could do for them. And bottoms are in the same boat, thinking that without the proper shoes, and uniform, or arcane study into the world of “what forks are used first” they cannot be of service to a top.
So when I give my workshops on offering, performing and directing service, the first thing I tell people is take a deep breath and remember that like everything else in sex and play, you get to find out what works for you, in your relationship. Your bottom gags at the thought of cleaning house and cooking, but can refurbish your classic car? Then why the hell are they in the kitchen? You don’t live near enough for massages to happen daily? Let the bottom schedule your spa treatments and send you reminders and make sure you get there on time. Find ways to connect which allow the bottom to feel useful and the top to feel spoiled; cooking cleaning and oral sex are common standbys, but how about having the bottom read to the top, or record favorite pieces the top can listen to while driving or exercising?
Tops and bottoms alike will benefit from just the discussions to find out what areas of interest they have in common. Maybe the movie going top would love for the bottom to send them links to movie gossip websites and make a list of upcoming films to enjoy. A bottom with a flair for decorating can make every season a delightful surprise with some time in craft stores and knowledge of the tops taste. There are millions of things tops would like done, but they need to 1) think about them as potential service, or 2) have a bottom creative enough to offer to do them. Program the TIVO; learn how to use the camera phone, carve a dildo out of mahogany, shop for presents for in-laws, clip coupons, research genealogy, make a flyer for the garage sale, scrapbook all the ephemera or sell it on e-Bay, find that rare baseball card, DVD, vibrator or iron mask, compile a list of airline and credit card rewards and actually spend some...it really is a limitless list.
But remember the key elements ‒ useful action, performed under the direction and for the benefit of the top, who in turn somehow acknowledges the service in a way that reflects and sustains the relationship. The rewards are self-evident. The top gets shit done, plus the pride and satisfaction of knowing their orders are obeyed and that they are respected adored or otherwise admired. The bottom gets to feel useful in a positive way, to contribute to the well-being and ease of the top, plus the pride and satisfaction of a job well done and the affirmation of being noticed and rewarded for their hard work.
And really, what’s sexier than that?
Laura Antoniou is the author of the Marketplace series of erotic novels. A well-known lecturer and presenter, she travels frequently to scold, cajole, amuse and outrage kinky people everywhere. Find her books, travel schedule and other interesting things at www.lantoniou.com.
