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LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN 29/9/2017
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to
use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly
put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep . It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you
to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, ...
0 Comentários, 15 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,1.73 Pontuação
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20 Rules for Successful Writing 26/9/2017
For those of you who write blogs and articles for the site,
here a a few simple rules for you. <br><br>
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive 5. Avoid cliches like the plague 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration 7. Be more or ...
0 Comentários, 9 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,2.42 Pontuação
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Strange Diseases 25/9/2017
A young couple left their wedding reception, arriving
at the hotel for the first night of their honeymoon. They
cracked the champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife said, "Your
toes Look all mangled and funny." "I had tolio as a , " the husband replied.
"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, the disease only affected my ...
0 Comentários, 11 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,2.40 Pontuação
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Gas Prices in Paris - Tres Bien! 21/9/2017
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. <br><br>
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the
paintings, and made it safely to his van. Only two blocks
away, however, he was captured when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur,
that is the reason I ...
0 Comentários, 18 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,2.42 Pontuação
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Divorce Letter 20/9/2017
Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last
two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today
and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and
didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, ...
1 Comentários, 29 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,3.70 Pontuação
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Little Johnny's Breakfast 20/9/2017
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and
she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also
spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'. 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and ...
0 Comentários, 13 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,5.00 Pontuação
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Jack Schitt 19/9/2017
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss
for a response when someone says; "You don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
the owner of the Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one , Jack. <br><br>
In turn, Jack Schitt married ...
0 Comentários, 10 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,3.70 Pontuação
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Weight Loss 18/9/2017
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight
loss program. <br><br>
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed
in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around
her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of
the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can
catch ...
0 Comentários, 6 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,5.00 Pontuação
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YOU Can Be The Man Of Your House 14/9/2017
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his
wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From
now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and
my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve
me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me, and ...
0 Comentários, 12 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,3.70 Pontuação
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Accident At The Toll Booth 13/9/2017
The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and
ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.
Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched
as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread
a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces
together. In less than a half hour, ...
0 Comentários, 13 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,3.70 Pontuação
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Main Vice President 10/9/2017
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President
of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to
his wife for weeks on end. <br><br>
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him,
"Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president
of peas at the grocery store!". <br><br>
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was ...
1 Comentários, 22 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,2.40 Pontuação
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Painting the Church 8/9/2017
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who
was very interested in making a penny where he could, so
he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
<br><br>
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the
outside of one of their biggest buildings. <br><br>
Smokey ...
0 Comentários, 14 Visualizações,
1 Votos
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Tales From The Shire 7/9/2017
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly.
They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into
the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door
closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises
through the door, "I can't do it, I can't
do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How
did it ...
0 Comentários, 11 Visualizações,
0 Votos
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EATING IN THE FIFTIES 7/9/2017
* Pasta had not been invented. * Curry was an unknown entity. * Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet * Spices came from the Middle East where we believed that
they were used for embalming * Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine. * A Takeaway was a mathematical problem. * A Pizza was something to do with a leaning tower. * Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
* The ...
1 Comentários, 19 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,0.34 Pontuação
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New Windows 6/9/2017
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday,
I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole
year ago and I had not paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that
I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly ...
0 Comentários, 12 Visualizações,
0 Votos
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The Elderly Golfer 6/9/2017
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the
new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area
of the club house. <br><br>
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign
hanging over the bar that reads: <br><br>
COLD BEER:£3.50 HAMBURGER: £4.50 CHEESEBURGER: £5.00 CHICKEN SANDWICH : £5.50 HAND JOB: £200.00 <br><br>
Checking ...
0 Comentários, 13 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,3.70 Pontuação
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The Salesman 3/9/2017
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only
to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner. <br><br>
"Good morning, " said the young man. "If
I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to
demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
<br><br>
"Go away!" said the old lady. ...
0 Comentários, 13 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,1.04 Pontuação
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HOW LONG HAVE I GOT LEFT? 1/9/2017
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.
He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"
The physician replied that he doubted that his patient
would survive the night. The man then said "Call for
my lawyer." <br><br>
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician
to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on
the ...
0 Comentários, 11 Visualizações,
0 Votos
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THIS IS WHY PARENTS DRINK!! 30/8/2017
A father passing by his 's bedroom was astonished
to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked
up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the
pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' <br><br>
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter. <br><br>
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and ...
0 Comentários, 9 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,5.00 Pontuação
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Tomatoes 27/8/2017
See if this works for yours (tomatoes that is) . . . <br><br>
<br><br>
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't
seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she
came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden
full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to
get your tomatoes so ...
0 Comentários, 8 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,3.70 Pontuação
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Survey 26/8/2017
In a recent blowjob survey 7% of the men said they like the
feeling. 10% said they like the power and control. The rest
just enjoyed the peace and quiet.
1 Comentários, 6 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,5.00 Pontuação
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Funny Thoughts for the Day 24/8/2017
• Those who can laugh without cause have either found
the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving
mad. Norm Papernick • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while
dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? • Why is the man who invests all your money called a 'Broker'?
• Why isn't there a mouse flavoured cat food? • Why do they call the airport ...
0 Comentários, 8 Visualizações,
1 Votos
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The Irish v. The French! 23/8/2017
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone
rings. <br><br>
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice
said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?' ...
0 Comentários, 16 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,1.73 Pontuação
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A guy's guide to spotting Ms Wrong by the end of the first date 22/8/2017
When you're in the thick of a first date, judgement
may not be on your side. Often you'll find yourself
asking or agreeing to see her again, then waking up the next
morning to a clear-as-day realisation that you don't
want a second date at all. <br><br>
Rather than try to squeeze out of it once it's too late,
you should sharpen those powers of first-date perception. ...
0 Comentários, 15 Visualizações,
1 Votos
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EVEN MORE BLONDE QUESTIONS ANSWERED 18/8/2017
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they ...
1 Comentários, 13 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,1.73 Pontuação
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Pumpkin 17/8/2017
This was apparently in the Washington Post .... The title of the article was Best Come Back Line Ever.'
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year
old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch
11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour,
public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett
County Courthouse on Monday. The ...
0 Comentários, 7 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,5.20 Pontuação
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SKIRT ZIPPER 15/8/2017
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She
tried to take the step, only to ...
0 Comentários, 7 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,3.81 Pontuação
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DATING RITUALS of women 10/8/2017
CANADIAN WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary
position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN ...
0 Comentários, 10 Visualizações,
2 Votos
,3.81 Pontuação
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Irish Radio Phone In Quiz 9/8/2017
Some belters from Larry Gogans radio show phone in quiz
called the "just a minute quiz"
(Larry) Q. Something a blind man might use? (Contestant) A. A sword
(L.) Q. A song with the word moon in the title? C.) A. Blue suede moon
L.) Q. Name the capital of France? C.) A. "F"
L.) Q. Name a bird with a long neck? C.) A. Naomi Campbell ...
0 Comentários, 9 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,5.00 Pontuação
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Letter From The Boss 8/8/2017
Memorandum
TO: All employees FROM: The boss DATE:August 8th, 2017 RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that
some individuals throughout the company have been using
foul language during the course of normal conversation
with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from
some employees who are easily offended, this type of language
will be ...
0 Comentários, 11 Visualizações,
1 Votos
,2.40 Pontuação
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